Suicide or suicidal thoughts are a fact of life. You’d be surprised by just how many people have considered it. I suspect those who haven’t are definitely in the minority.
But it’s a story that is rarely told. The stigma and shame around suicide keeps us all silent. Stigma makes it difficult for people to seek help when they first start to feel low, stressed or suicidal, and then it continues to harm the families and friends who are bereaved by suicide. That stigma isolates us all.
We’re all left thinking that we’re the only one in the world facing such a problem. We hide the fact that we have felt suicidal, or that we are coping with someone else’s suicidal feelings, or that our relative has died in that way. Even in support groups that are specifically for people experiencing mental distress or their carers, suicidal thoughts just aren’t spoken about.
How many people are affected by suicide?
It’s hard to imagine how many people are affected when the stigma silences us all.
There are approximately 5000 suicides every year in the UK. It’s difficult to estimate how many people attempt or consider suicide each year, but it is estimated that in the UK there are 170 000 cases each year.
Jacqui Walton of online support group, widowed by suicide, said, “New members often comment on how relieved they are to find other people out there who have been touched by suicide.”
One family’s example
I sketched out a diagram of the number of people affected by my partner’s suicide.
In the centre I placed our immediate family, people who would understandably be affected for the rest of their lives. His parents, our children and some of the relatives who had been there for him during his long periods of distress.
Outside that circle, I placed other close family and friends. Here were our sisters, brothers and their partners, nieces and nephews, aunties and uncles, grandparents, cousins and close friends. This was the group of people who had been there ready and waiting for the more positive times. There were people who would have done anything to help, as well as others who worried but didn’t quite know what to do.
In total, this came to over 40 people – although we’re not a particularly large family and after years of illness, we had become isolated from friends and any social circles. When I thought about these 40 people, I realised that most of them had ended up needing some form of support such as anti-depressants or talking therapies. Suicide may not be contagious, or genetic, but it certainly affects other people’s wellbeing.
Add on to this list, all the other people who were definitely affected by his suicide. The train driver and guard who had months off work, his care coordinator, the police and other emergency workers, previous work colleagues who flew over for his funeral, friends we hadn’t been able to see in the months of his distress, his friends from primary school who he’d recently tracked down, neighbours, our children’s friends, more distant relatives.
All in all, for our one average suicide, I could definitely say that over 60 people were deeply affected.
How many each year?
But lets be conservative about this to estimate how many people are affected nationally – let’s halve that, call it 30 people for each death.
So given that there are around 5000 suicides every year in the UK, that will mean, by my very rough estimates, that there could easily be around 150 000 new people every year affected by suicide. And we don’t get over it in a year – that experience changes us forever.
And then there are those 170 000 attempts each year. How many people do they affect? There is very little research into the effects of this on family members, and I haven’t seen any attempts to work out the numbers. But surely it must mean that at least 170 000 people are affected in some way.
So that’s over 300 000 people each year affected by the issue of suicide – either by having attempted it, or by supporting someone, or by being bereaved. That’s a lot of isolated people staying silent about suicide, people with experience they could be sharing.
Lucy Reynolds, author of ‘My Life Changing Moment’ said, “Being more open about suicide, and it’s effects on those left behind, has to be a good thing. So many people are suffering in silence of grief because they feel they are the ones who have done something wrong, when all they did is lose someone they loved to suicide.”
A permanent solution to a temporary problem
I asked survivor support group members what they would say to someone who was feeling suicidal. With the benefits of hindsight, they advised to seek help, to talk, to let someone know. There was an overwhelming sense that suicide doesn’t end the pain – it just transfers it to others. Many felt that, if their loved ones had known that, then they wouldn’t have done it.
Many could accept that their loved ones had felt they were doing the right thing – that old cliché that they’d be better off without them. But the reality was very different. It hadn’t made anything easier; it hadn’t sorted out the problems. For some it had caused more problems as issues such as debt had been revealed.
Their advice was to share the problem, and talk about it – all problems are better shared. And keep at it – if the first chat doesn’t solve it, then say so. Ask for more help.
Simon Howes, from the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) echoed this suggestion: “Most suicidal people don’t actually want to die, they want an answer to their problems. It’s a decision made when other decisions seem impossible. While suicide can seem like the only way to deal with the pain, there’s ALWAYS another way – it’s just finding it that can sometimes be tricky. So don’t try and find it on your own. Two heads are better than one. Talk it over with someone. Tell them what you’re thinking and why.”
Worried about someone else and suicide?
Many of us don’t like to talk about our own problems. And it can be just as hard to ask someone else about theirs. But what have you got to lose?
- Remember you don’t have to be able to solve the problem, or even understand it. Just listening to them and giving your time, tells them you care.
- Start a conversation.
- Ask open questions to encourage them to talk – When? Where? What? How?
- But “Why?” can make people feel defensive so you might want to avoid it – ‘What makes you feel like that?’ can be easier to answer than “Why do you feel like that?”
- Let them find their own answers – act as their sounding board.
- Ask them if they want to end their life – and take it very seriously if they say yes.
- Know who else to contact – or offer to help find that person or organisation – reassure them they are not alone.
- It really does help to speak to someone from a third party organization:
o Some, such as HOPELineUK or Samaritans, are specifically concerned about feelings of suicide – see contact details below.
o Many other organizations may be helpful with the root causes of the problem including Mind, Rethink, Students against Depression, Bullying Online, Age Concern, Carers Centres, Citizens Advice Bureau, Combat Stress, Lesbian & Gay Foundation, NHS Direct, Relate and many more.
o Your GP may be useful and have local knowledge of support services.
• And if they won’t talk? Don’t get angry or frustrated. Just let them know you’re there and that you care. Maybe they’d prefer to write something down? Try to talk again soon.
• Do make sure you look after yourself – if you provide emotional support for someone else who can’t manage without you, you too need support. Contact your local carers centre earlier rather than later.
Thinking of suicide?
The suggestions above may be just as useful to you.
• Try to talk to someone – sharing problems makes things easier.
• If you’ve recently started taking any medication, check with your GP in case it’s making you feel low.
• Remember that suicidal feelings do pass.
Contact details
There are several organisations you can contact for support, practical advice and information around suicide.
The Samaritans: a charity which offers confidential, emotional support to anyone, in the UK or Ireland, who is feeling distressed or in despair.
UK Tel: 08457 90 90 90 (local rates, open 24 hours, every day).
Minicom number: 08457 90 91 92
Email: jo@samaritans.org
Write to: Chris, PO Box 9090, Stirling. FK8 2SA
Website: http://www.samaritans.org
HOPELineUK can give support, practical advice and information to anyone who is concerned that a someone they know may be suicidal. Their phone line is open from 10 am to 5pm and 7pm to 10pm, Monday to Friday and 2pm to 5pm at weekends
Tel: 0800 068 4141
Website: http://www.papyrus-uk.org/index.htm
Maytree: a sanctuary for the suicidal. They offer a short one-off stay in a safe residential setting with the aim of restoring hope.
Tel: 020 7263 7070
Website: http://www.maytree.org.uk
For people bereaved by suicide:
S.O.B.S. – Suvivors of Bereavement by Suicide was set up to support people bereaved by the suicide of a close relative or friend. They run support groups as well as offering a confidential helpline service.
Tel: 0844 561 6855 9am to 9pm every day
Website: http://www.uk-sobs.org.uk/
Widowed by suicide: aims to reduce the isolation felt by those who have lost their life partner through suicide, providing emotional support and informal advice, by sharing individual experiences in a safe and secure environment. Currently only online at:
http://www.widowed-by-suicide.org.uk/
Lucy Reynold’s book follows the emotions and practicalities that Lucy faced when coming to terms with being widowed by suicide at the age of thirty seven.
http://www.mylifechangingmoment.co.uk/
Photo by aussiegall
Karen Machin
