After many sleepless nights he came home. I don’t know if being in the war changed him. We will never know. However, he did change. His moods were different. Without going into all the nitty gritty he wasn’t happy, especially with being in the marines. He did take drugs. Ecstasy, cannabis and cocaine were taken at some point on a recreational basis. And because of his height 5′ 6″ he always felt he needed to be better, stronger than the next lad especially with being in the marines, he started to inject steroids. He told me about the steroids. I lost it. After half an hour I stopped shouting, after 5 minutes our Dave had stopped listening. Maybe I had forgotten what it was like to be young and the pressures that comes with that. I tried to listen more. But it didn’t work.
On the outside to his mates he put up a front. Outgoing, fun, always up for a good time. But to his family he was a man torn. He wanted help. We tried to get it. But he didn’t want anyone to know, especially his mates in the marines. It would make him look soft. We contacted his bosses on the quite, pleading for them to intervene. But when they spoke to him direct he would always soften the issue,” it’s only my overprotective mum / brother I’m ok” he’d say. To cut a long story short, like his life, he hung himself at the age of 21, March 12 2005. He was there all night until he was spotted in the next day. He died alone, probably thinking this was his only choice.
His death has torn a family apart. A mum, dad, sister, brother, nieces, uncles, aunties, cousins and friends – lives that have all been shattered. He was not alone.
After our Dave died my life started to spiral out of control. At his inquest it was deemed the Royal Marines, although they were not to blame, did fail in their duty of care. Most of their defence was the fact he never specifically asked for help. Yet should it be down to a 21 year old lad who is trained not to show weakness, who lives, breathes the macho life to ask for help. Surely it is down to the doctors, senior officials to see the signs and take action before it’s to late. I’m serving in the RAF and I found it hard to work for the same system that had let down my brother and, I feel, had a major impact in him taking his life. During this time I was drinking heavily. I had thoughts of taking revenge on the people I felt were to blame. I had taken train rides to Portsmouth in order to act out my thoughts but when I’d get there (usually after I had sobered up) just turn around and go home. An expensive drink! Many a night I would put a rope around my neck, just to try and feel closer to David. Each night pulling tighter and tighter.
I’m married with two perfect daughters 6 and 3. People would tell me how lucky I was. I had to pull myself together because of the kids and my wife. But, and its hard to say it now, I didn’t care about my family. Did I care that my daughters would be without a dad, no. But after the inquest and with what the various statements of “he never asked for help” I decided I would. To be honest it wasn’t to get help. It was in the hope that after asking for help I wouldn’t get it, I would take my life, and then someone would be to blame!!!!! However it backfired in the best possible way. I did receive the help. Their was no magic wand and things got worse before they got better. I know how hard it is to stand up and say “I need help!” especially being a young male, not wanting to look weak in front of your peers. But it was one of the best things I ever did.
I’ve changed since our Dave died. Not for the better or worse. I’ve just changed. One of the hardest things is to accept the change. But my life is moving in the right direction now. It’s still early days but I’m only here because I asked for help. David never did. We will never know even if he had asked for help if he would still be alive. But asking for help gave me my life back.
Michael Ward
