Courtesy Brains the Head
Thirty one and single again.
Almost to the day. In fact, pretty much to the day, as in; it was the actual day – my 31st birthday. The woman that I fell in love with looks me in the eye and says “I’m so unhappy, I can’t do this any more. I’m sorry.”
Within two weeks everything has changed. Two weeks. She’s gone. Left the house. It’s bare… and me? I’m alone. I mean, what the hell are you supposed to do at 31?
Should you wear a badge?
“I’m single. Yes, I know too old and that by now I’ve probably had a couple of really shitty break ups, which in turn that I’m carrying a fair amount of baggage oh and yes, given that I haven’t actually managed to settle down just yet (while all my friends have, with babies etc) that I’m also aware that the chances of there being something wrong with me are quite high. But hey, fancy a drink?”
It’d be quite the badge.
The odds are smaller up here. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve actually been aware of my age. What it is, what it means and ultimately, where it’s gone.
Another life
You know you are truly in pain when you start trying to work out how much pain something else might cause you and whether or not that pain would be better or worse than the pain you’re feeling right now.
Staring down from a 4th floor balcony and trying to measure what the branches of that tree would feel like as they thrashed against the skin – would they catch my fall? Break it maybe? I mean, I don’t actually want to die, that’d be rubbish… but some other pain than this one, this one I’m feeling right now, that would be awesome. Thanks.
What if I just put a leg in front of an oncoming bus? Or a passing tube? That would hurt wouldn’t it? I mean really, actually quite a bit. We’re talking broken bones and a stint in the hospital. Maybe she’d come visit me then.
I have a broken heart. It’s been broken once before (Just once he says?! Ha!), I was married in my mid-twenties, the last of my friends to tie the knot (no pressure) and nine months later I come home from work and she says: “I’m sorry, I don’t love you any more.”
That very nearly killed me. Seems dramatic to say that now, but it did feel like absolute death for months. Months and months and months.
The Fear
The thing is, I guess in some ways, I did actually die. At least, the man who got married in his twenties, he died. I don’t even recognise him in the photos from those days.
What happened? I got through it. It affected me for a lot longer than I thought at first mind; I went away to Asia and had a number of life-affirming, life changing moments. “They fixed me” I thought. Nah, they didn’t.
They just helped me through the pain. But that’s not a bad thing.
Being scared is not something that comes easy to own up to. Not for any man. September 12th 2001, I remember waking up and feeling scared, seeing the world in a different way. But that was something else. That was rational fear based upon a terrible, terrible atrocity. You were allowed to be scared.
I keep catching myself panicking. Walking the streets, looking down instead of forward. Avoiding eye contact with anyone I happen to look at. I don’t want to upset anyone. I don’t want to get in anyone’s way. I’m scared.
It’s not cool to be frightened. We’re raised as creatures who aren’t expected to show such an emotion. As early as the first trip to the dentist, “BE BRAVE” we’re told, fear not. Do not be afraid and whatever you do, don’t ever, ever be scared. Ever.
Today I am scared.
For the life of me I can’t work out what it actually is I’m scared of, but I know the feeling and that is fear.
Let it in, let it out
The fear of being alone, the fear of never finding ‘the one’ (again), the fear that there might actually be something wrong with you and that you’re incapable of holding a relationship longer than a few years.
The fear that you’ll always get it wrong, the fear of never having children to love and care for, the fear that the love of your life is already shacked up with some wannabe, posing bozo who’s weaseled his way in at the first opportunity. All those fucking fears. They make me scared. I am so scared. So fucking scared.
An angel whispered to me on the tube last week. I swear it’s true. The Bakerloo line pulled in and a girl stepped off, “this too shall pass” she said, to no one in particular.
She must have said it to an unseen friend, or was mentioning something in conversation, but the words landed in my ears and before I’d taken my seat, I was balling.
Such heavy, aching, silent tears. “This too shall pass,” she said.
I cry because I know she’s right and I’ve seen this road before.
It’s OK to be scared. It’s OK to cry. Just let it in and let it out again.
Screw what the world says we should do.
Let it in and let it out.
In, out… in, out… and breathe.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qybUFnY7Y8w
This too shall pass.
It’s a song by okgo.
Might not have been what she was refering to…
I haven’t heard the song in a few months, and I just showed the song to a good friend who’s been struggling with depression for a while to try to cheer her up.
So it was a bit of a funny coincidence.
I’m only 28, but I feel like I’m carying a badge like that myself.
I’ve given up on the entire relationsip thingie though.
It’s not right for me. Or. I’m not right for it.
Or. I dunno. Something’s not right.
This really struck a chord with me, especially the line ‘You know you are truly in pain when you start trying to work out how much pain something else might cause you and whether or not that pain would be better or worse than the pain you’re feeling right now.’
That feeling of being scared, the uncertainty, the anxiety…..you wonder if it is worth risking a relationship again, yet we are not meant to be alone. Some people appear to drop their baggage pretty quickly, but do they really or is it a matter of dumping it on their new partner, doesn’t this automatically then doom the relationship to failure.
Over 3 years since my partner left and I’m still in a vacuum. I try to tell myself it is because of not being in another relationship, but is it really ? Do I still love her ? I am so scared of loving again that the pain I feel is better. ?
Sometimes we keep our walls up not to keep others out but to see who cares enough to break them down .
Erm, this is going to sound absolutely crazy but, i feel asthough the girl you are refering to is me? lol I know its possibly the weirdest thing but, the end of last year i was in and around london all the time. I was going on and on about the tattoo I wanted to get which was ‘This too shall pass’ (but I wanted it in Spansih)… I know its probably rather unlikely it was me, i just have this overwhelming feeling it was? very strange. I remember specifically talking about it to my friends on the tube but, I don’t remember where abouts. It would be nuts if it was me as I just stubbled across this by accident!! When was it and what did this girl look like? lol Im gonna sound like a nutcase ha.
Jeez, this cut right to my heart. It’s everything I fear; it’s the stuff that keeps me up at night. And that last part (“The fear of being alone…So fucking scared.”) is exactly what goes through my head, all the time. I always fear I’ll never find that ‘one’ or that even if I do, I’ll not be worth a second glance to her. And so I feel like I’ll be single and alone my whole damn life, and that terrifies me too. And I keep thinking and worrying that I’ve already met my soul-mate, and completely fucked up my chances with her. And whenever I get into a situation where it seems there might be a chance with a woman, I get antsy, nervous and I panic. I feel I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve never had a long lasting relationship, so I’m not even sure what I’m doing wrong when it all comes crashing down, again.
But, it’s helped me reading this, because actually knowing there’s some-one else out there who’s gone through this gives me hope; because it tells me I’m not alone, and it’s what I need right now, to not be alone. I was actually welling up reading the very last part as well, because I tend to hold things in, I know I shouldn’t though. I actually find it hard to cry, really hard, because I’m so used to holding everything in.
So, Thank You. Thank you with all my heart; because most of my friends are like yours – in lasting relationships, and I feel depressingly alone. I’ve never talked like this to some-one who isn’t extremely close to me, let alone a stranger; but you’ve helped me realise something I could never truly fathom before – I’m not alone.
And I’m crying, and it’s OK =’)
Thank You
Icarus
I came on to the web loking for help and i found this, and i related to it, tears falling down my face, feeling very low and want to fall no further, i know i need help and today i start looking for that help.
Six months ago I was rock bottom.
I was unemployed, few friends, in a shared house with people I didnt get on with, and worst of all, the one beacon of hope I thought I had – a friend from work I had become close to and had begun seeing – went back to her ex, ending it badly. Everything seemed hopeless. Ive been suffering on and off with depression for over ten years, but this bout seemed the worst. Job seeking became futile, as it seemed I couldnt do anything. Days were spent lying in bed thinking of her. Everyone else seemed too busy to get in touch with. I wasnt eating, and drinking heavily. During the early hours of the new year, after feeling detatched at a party (basically sitting in a corner drinking and despairing) I went home and smashed the living room up, crying.
Yet reading this blog helped to me to realise that I wasnt alone. Other people feel the loneliness and despair. Other people out there are the last from their peer group to settle down, find a wife, have kids, live the dream. Other people feel they lack direction, other people have regrets, other people have been hurt by someone, other people dread the future.
Thankfully, this helped me to realise that while these feelings may seem bad at the time – they can pass. I managed to quickly move to another house with people I get on with. This helped with my confidence and in turn helped me get out more, and helped me form new friendships. Have also had a few temporary jobs which has helped my moods. Still single, but that outlook of dread and loneliness isnt as bad.
Felt I had to come back and tell everyone that its ok to be scared – most people are. There isnt an answer to everything, we just go about things the best we can.
Because this too shall pass.
Dont know what just happened man, I just bawled for the first time in years cause you said it was ok. I thought i’d found the one but she said she’d had enough to, i gave up uni and family for her and took a shitty job as a barback just to buy her what ever she wanted. Seems like I’m holding back some stuff, i didn’t even realize just how hard I’m trying to be strong. This hardman bullshit I learnt as a kid to defend myself physically and emotionally has fucked me up even more then the beatings and humiliation it helped me squash.
This story hit me. Im suffering from depression for the 2nd time. Im only 25. The first time i suffered from depression i dealt with it myself. This time its over a girl who I have been on and off with for 4 years and we got close, so close we were inseperable, now its over. All i think about is her, and everything I do I think to myself what would she make of this, would this impress her. She tells me she loves me but she cant be with me. Im so scared of hearing that day when I hear she is seeing someone else. Doing all those relationship things with her that I want to do. Making her smile the way I want to make her smile. I used to be very good at talking to girls but now I have lost all my confidence and my friends even make fun of the fact that `i have lost it`. All my friends are seeing people bar 1. But its been me whos been the single one for a while, whilst being on and off with my ex my friends have been seeing other girls and now I feel am i ever going to meet mrs right or the 1? I dont want to be alone and this lonely feeling is gradually getting worse.
It’s nearly a year since I wrote the post above and on Monday November 21st, I’ll turn 32. In the 360+ days that have passed I’ve traveled, I’ve loved and I’ve lived.
Embrace it. Embrace every moment you have. It gets better. I swear to you, honestly and from the bottom of my heart, if you’re feeling low (and oh my God, I felt the pain would never end) it gets better.
I wrote the above post anonymously at first because I didn’t want anyone to know who I was or how I was feeling. It took five months but eventually I started ‘owning up’ to what I had wrote, to how low I’d felt and well, my friends have been over-whelming. Some people, people I didn’t even know, reached out privately and told me ‘Hey, I’m there too’. Others just kept their counsel to themselves and merely hugged me when they saw me.
From all of the above and more, I’ve learnt so much about myself (and actually, about what actually happened and the reasons why). Today I’m a better person; brighter, happier and forward-looking.
If you’ve read this all and read down this far, I mean it, it does pass.
Things will and do get better.
—
The last week of October was when I felt it go completely. We’d had a late summer towards the end and when suddenly, near November, autumn arrived – it hit me, really hard.
Y’know that fresh, cold and crisp autumn morning? The wind is just right and the leaves are crunching? “Yes!” I thought “It’s autumn! My favourite season! It’s nearly my birthday!”
And like that, it all came flooding back. For days I was down and depressed again; every time I stepped outside and took a lungful of air, I remembered how I felt the year before. It was horrid.
For days I felt like shit, moping around and generally being down. “What do you want to do for your birthday?” my friends would ask… “Sit in the corner and cry, actually”. Eventually, they kicked me out of it – “Embrace your birthday!” they said, “We’ll help!” and they did.
Here, today, three days before my birthday I feel *amazing*.
It takes a while, in some cases a really long while but, believe me when I say it, it gets better.
Wow.. great article.
As a 27 year old I can identify with most of what you say James. For what it’s worth I personally believe society has much to blame for unwritten expectations and you know what, f*@k them. Marrying because it’s time to really only appears to lead to seperation, divorce and general unhappiness.
I am so happy for you and I hope I too can look back from a similar place to where you currently are.
Keep inspiring
al
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I’ve got a mate, well more of a work colleague & he’s recently split from who he thought was the love of his life, however little did he know she was getting destroyed week after week by several members of his band. And i would like to take this opportunity for a little confession. I am absolutely ashamed of myself but will feel better once i’ve confessed that i too was bumming the living daylights out of her whilst he was at band practise. I didn’t even really like her if i’m honest & he wouldn’t hurt a fly but as the rest of the band were saying she was a proper slag i couldn’t help myself. Anyway things were going well until unfortunately my mate found out one day the whole band tagged teamed his girlfriend after band practise and he had to leave the band. His head is now full of suicidal thoughts, I”m concerned NO band, NO girlfriend, CANT trust his mates……..does he need help?
It is true -it does get better& better,u only have to live till then….therefore hang on,go through this link http://jeeteraho.blogspot.in/2010/10/there-is-hope-only-if-there-is-life.html