I spend time alone on the internet too much.
I used to have a lot of friends but now they don’t keep in touch.
I’ve got almost 500 here on my Facebook account.
Though, if I list who’s always there for me it’s nowhere near that amount.
My profile pic shows a smiling face that everyone buys
But it’s not the real me, I wear that expression as a disguise.
There are photos of events to which I received no invitation
But when asked I always decline so I really can’t blame them
I browse a few names hoping someone wants to chat.
I send some messages…. No-one replies. How fucked up is that?
I ask Hi, how are you? or HEY! How are you keeping ?
Seems I’m the only one typing whilst the whole world is sleeping.
I could post a cryptic status to try and draw attention
But what if no-one comments? That’ll make me feel worse then.
Or maybe post something funny to make everybody “L.O.L.”
Only, I can’t think of a joke right now, I’m not feeling too well.
I look at the clock, – a quarter past four
I gaze at the ceiling, I stare at the floor
I can’t remember the last time I had a decent night’s sleep
You see my head’s always too full from the secrets I keep.
The confusion, the anger, the upset, the shame
The bad thought, the despair, the solitude, the pain.
Surely there’s only one way to make this all end
I post my last status, like this – Goodbye “Friends”
I leave my room and step into the street
The ground moves beneath me, when did I last eat?
Well it doesn’t matter now. On me, good food is wasted
There’s no point in eating well when I can’t even taste it.
There’s normally no-one around there this time of year.
My toes reach the woody planks and there in the distance
Is a figure on the edge questioning his existence.
I’m speechless with fear, is he thinking of jumping?
I move slowly towards him, my heart fully pumping.
I quietly mumble – Hello mate, you alright?
He answers – Yea, ‘course, just had a bit of a restless night.
I’ve not been feeling too good recently, very alone ya know?
Things have been hard, been taking blow after blow.
Nah, course you don’t understand, you don’t wanna listen to me.
I reply – actually, I do mate. You’re not the only one who’s lonely.
As he moves back from the water I offer him my hand.
He shakes it and I tell him – I really do understand.
I came here this morning feeling quite down
I thought this was the end, I was ready to drown.
We sit and talk for a while and as words tumble out,
They mix in the air and I have absolutely no doubt
That I’m also not alone, no longer rejected.
There’s someone here who’ll listen, friendship accepted.
Andy Ferris December 2011