LONEL..WHY?

The trouble with loneliness, especially with advancing age, is that nobody seems to understand. It’s as tough as living in a “bubble”, with everyone looking in and watching while one just gets on with life. People who are young or middle aged, who have a social life, perhaps a family and plenty of friends/associates, lack empathy and understanding for those who are not as fortunate. It is similar to how we all take our health for granted… until we lose it or something just doesn’t work any more. It is only when a dramatic change in life occurs – such as divorce or a partner dying or some other tragedy – that people are thrust into the world of loneliness.

However, those of us who have lived this life for years, already know, only too well, what it’s like and how tremendously difficult life can be.

If one lives alone, the only contact with other people may be either at work or (if not working) the occasional chance encounter whilst shopping or somewhere similar. Without family and friends, isolation sets in and one’s sense of self-worth becomes severely negated. Sensitivity towards this is, also, something “non lonely” people also don’t understand, because, in their own lives, they are valued and don’t have the insecurities of those of us who aren’t.

Over time, one can become over-sensitised to this way of feeling. I don’t doubt that many “difficult” ways of thinking are formed in childhood but they are certainly enhanced during the journey through life. A few rejections; a number of insults; and plenty of insensitivity all take their toll. One can easily become over-sensitive, resulting in losing friends and, no doubt, upsetting others.

It doesn’t take much for “self destructive tendencies” to take a firm hold as well, depriving the sufferer from the feeling of value that they are so desperately lacking.

In my own case, I have parted company with a number of friends, because I have frequently perceived that they value others more; only contacting me when they want something or when I can be of use to them. This is deeply upsetting and, in itself, perpetuates the feelings of insignificance and isolation.

I even find similar difficulties in business associations (both work and when buying goods and/or services); somehow, nobody seems to value me, only valuing my money and when they can obtain it without having to show any commitment!

The feelings of lacking value, coupled with loneliness, isolation and low self esteem, are self perpetuating: the more you feel undervalued, the more likely you are to distance yourself from people and situations that enforce those feelings.

The biggest issue with feelings of being undervalued is whether it is merely a perception, or whether it is an actual fact; a true and realistic state that gives rise to these destructive thoughts.

Loneliness, itself, gives one the feeling of being useless and not of any value to anyone. After all, if we were “valued”, we wouldn’t be lonely, would we? This is the mind’s simple explanation for what has happened to us and it is not necessarily accurate. In our attempt to understand the world around us, the people and situations we encounter, our minds seem to take the “least line of resistance”: ie, if there appears no logical explanation, accept the blame on oneself. It is very easy to adopt this mindset, because it answers an awkward question and appears to satisfy the mind. However, it is not necessarily correct.

I cite my own case as an example: all of my attempts to form a long-term, steady relationship have failed for reasons beyond my control. However, as the years have progressed and my need for some stability in my life has increased, I have kept away from trying to form a close bond with someone in case I am let down again and suffer more pain and loneliness. Furthermore, because I am not one of the “beautiful people” (those fortunate enough to have had physical beauty bestowed upon them), my perception is that, others would have valued me more.

This, unfortunately, is not altogether untrue; we do very much live in a society where youth and physical beauty are valued immensely, to the point where it is advertised in every aspect of our lives. As youth disappears down the road of life, so does physical beauty and this is very much frowned upon by the hedonistic and shallow ideologies that we are all encouraged to possess.

I firmly believe that the modern lives we live, with technology, healthcare and greater comfort, are making people desensitised to the feelings of others and we are all taking our health and wellbeing for granted, whilst failing to appreciate that others may not be quite so fortunate.

Valuing others, for their individuality or for their existence, is something immensely important; even more so as we age.

But let’s face facts here: are you youngsters ever going to grow old?

Related issues:

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29 Responses to

LONEL..WHY?

  1. This is an excellent piece of work. CALM is a great idea.
    This will help many.

    Aquab 12th April 2012 at 12:51 pm
  2. A well written piece of work and very thought provoking.

    Dan 13th April 2012 at 12:31 am
  3. I love the pictures!!!!!

    olivia pritchard 4th July 2012 at 4:20 pm
  4. I could relate so much to ur comments. However I would say that so many of ur troubles are because u do not value yourself!! I am afraid u can NEVER really conceal what is within u and the vibes you give off are a dead givaway to others. If you do not like and respect yourself- why on earth should anyone else? I am continually dismissed by others but I have to accept there is something about my personality that makes me EASY to dismiss!! I have found a philosophy group that has helped me enormously You can always find some social groups to join.

    Graham 12th July 2012 at 12:23 pm
  5. Perhaps I do not value myself; that is something I am working on. However, one does need to be and feel valued by others. Self esteem is something that is far too easy to lose, yet not so easy to gain. If you had a dog that had been continually beaten, until it became either aggressive or extremely timid, whose fault would that be? I am not ashamed to say that I am having counselling for my problems. One reason why I write about them is because it helps me. The other is becuase I hope it helps others! I try to value others; I don’t say I get it right all of the time, but I do and I’m learning to value myself. Don’t be so hard on either of us; life and others are hard enough! :-)

    Graham Dudley 2nd August 2012 at 4:35 pm
  6. I LIKE VERY MUCH

    Anonymous 9th August 2012 at 2:35 pm
  7. i like very much this pictures and a place to work

    Anonymous 9th August 2012 at 2:36 pm
  8. This is 100% the way I feel. I don’t agree with everyone saying (if you don’t like,believe in or value yourself, how can others be expected too?) No one knows how you are feeling unless you tell them. You are expected to look or be a certian way in todays world or you don’t mean very much. I myself find it really hard to make friends or join social groups because no one around me seems to be interested in me at all, even my own friends (what few they are) Everytime I go to them and talk about my feelings or problems, they just blow me off and say it will pass or get better. There is no willingness on their part to even listen it try to understand. I’m left hanging and feeling worse then before.

    tonybony 10th August 2012 at 5:48 pm
  9. Tonybony, what interests do you have? I can relate to your situation, because I find this. My work predominantly is of a nature that most people don’t understand what I do, so I cannot talk to anyone or even gain praise. Nowadays, I take photographs, which I really enjoy and I am receiving a lot of praise for them, which, in turn, helps me to value myself. I don’t know what age you are, but at 49, it’s virtually impossible for me – all my original friends are married with families of their own and their social activities revolve around that. I even went to a photography club, hoping to chat to people or see other people’s photographs, but all I found was someone who thought I was in need of “mentoring” (at my age?) and a close-knit group of friends, who did make an effort, but who really were focussed only on themselves. I like to think I’m a good listener, because I enjoy someone listening to me and, in turn, I also enjoy hearing about other people. Don’t keep quiet; it won’t get better. Communicating with people is vital. Let me know.

    Graham Dudley 13th August 2012 at 10:49 am
  10. As horrible as this sounds, I guess it’s nice to know I’m not completely alone in feeling like this. I’ve been living in social isolation for the best part of 3 years now (and I’m only 24 lol!). A lot of this is my own fault, I guess. I have a lot of problems with myself, that despite my best efforts, I haven’t been able to fix or are likely unfixable. I’m so very tired of this; and I’m sick of feeling embarassed and ashamed of myself in public situations. It’s gotten to the point now where my thoughts about all the things I don’t like about myself (I may aswell tell you, this is anonymous anyway: insecure about penis size, which I’m pretty certain is below average {we all know it counts. Plus the fact it’s socially acceptable for both men and women to gossip and insult men for it, as if most wouldn’t do anything if they could, doesn’t help. Just think how many TV shows a week make cheap jokes about this very sensitive, clinically unsolvable issue that directly impacts on a man’s sex life for his ENTIRE life. Now imagine if we made such jokes about infertile women…wtf double standards?}; chronic acne, which I can only control to a certain extent with a super strict diet and skin care regime {no pharmaceutical has had any signficant impact; and accutane could do even worse things to my body}; sick of my sticking out ears, despite 2 rounds of plastic surgery I spent hard earned savings trying to correct, hoping to get a clearer answer of whether any further improvement could be made from my surgeon in a week or so; generally not that happy with my body anyway. I work out some, but I’m certainly no adonis, still on the skinny side really). Basically, I’m sick of feeling constantly vulnerable infront of people, waiting for a snide comment or derogatory remark. I guess the acne problems are heavily responsible for this. People wave their hand at it, but until you’ve experienced people constantly glancing at the bad areas of your skin mid conversation; or treating you either with distain or like you’re a sick dog (and they think they’re being good people! Ha!) for the 15th time that day, years on end, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Couple that with the fact my romantic prospects are practically nill, since I’m hardly attractive, no matter how much effort I make (spare me the ‘personality’ speil, I’m sorry, but I do know better); I’m FAR behind my peer group when it comes to sex and relationships (most high schoolers probably have more experience than me ffs!), which people judge the shit out of you for if you let it get out; I have little belief or confidence in myself academically, since my studies hit a bad bump during uni with my constant depression and self-loathing and plenty of family disruption and moving three times, which I really didn’t need; finally topped off with the confliction over whether it would really be responsible for me to have a child, even if the opportunity arose, given all the horrible genetic bad luck I could give them, that could leave them as unhappy as me through the ‘best years of your life’; and you’ve got someone who really does think suicide’s for the best. I really don’t see the sense in anything else. I am essentially prolonging a deeply unhappy existence which I plain don’t want to come to terms with, for the sake of the social convention of living out life as long as it lasts. Why!? I hate myself now. I will continue to hate myself in the future because I can’t seem to fix the things I hate. I will almost certainly spend the rest of my life lonely and resentful and jealous of others who, through nothing more than chance, are afforded more respect, more love, more welcome and more self esteem than I could ever dream of (then these same lucky people will have the gall to tell you, it’s all your own fault really, because they would never allow such constant critisism, judgement and reminding of their flaws to get them down… if they had and experience it! Go fuck yourself with your self righteous egotism! You had life handed to you on a platter, you conceited piece of shit!). I find it impossible to control my anger outbursts when my acne flares up, because it’s just gone on too long now, with no end in sight, and I always feel braced for some dig. How can I be a good employee when I can’t control my temper or depression? No amount of hobbies makes me feel any better, everything is still fundamentally the same. I can’t go to brazillian jiu jitsu, because I need to compete to progress, which means showering infront of other guys when away at a comp. Refer back to the first insecurity…in a macho environment… sure that’ll feel great! I really do have nothing to live for, except for one of my parents. That’s the only thread still keeping me here. Anything I do in my free time only serves as an ineffective distraction from my unhappiness, which returns full flood the second I stop. Working towards my future when I really can’t decide whether or not I want a future? You try, tell me if you can do it any better.

    Anyway, I think I’ve rambled on enough. Thanks to anyone who reads this. God know what you can actually take from it, though!

    Alex 14th August 2012 at 11:07 pm
  11. Sorry to fill this space up even more, but has anyone actually had any positive experience with counselling for things they actually can’t change? I don’t see it having much success for me, since I have always been someon who has to solve a problem at the root rather than find creative ways to bury my head in the sand. I guess it’s worth a last ditch effort.

    Also, I’m not trying to be melodramatic, but seriously: Why is suicide such a massive taboo in this country? I’m thinking of those with degenerative or life-long conditions especially here. Why do we as a society insist that someone should suffer through a life they’re grossly unhappy with, which they can’t change, for no better reason than ‘ohhh! we don’t like to think about those kinda stuffs!’. Myself, for example. It would be a great relief to me to know that I had an option to go to my GP, express my wishes to die (I don’t care if you think my problems aren’t so bad, it’s not your life, you don’t have to live it); go through maybe a 6 month program of counselling and activity program to be sure it is definately what I want; then be allowed to go into a quiet, pleasant room with maybe a TV show I like or some music, and when I feel ready, press a button to inject nembutal and drift off to death with peace and dignity. Why is this so unreasonable? Hell, if it’s an issue of money, how about spending some of that time beforehand working for free to pay for the treatment? Don’t they say some people turn a corner when they get into something? There you go, money for the program, and maybe fewer suicides. Surely that’s better than the current options like very painful reactions to paracetemol overdoses, or life long disablement from gunshots or hangings gone wrong. And again, don’t you think someone depressed or hopeless enough to kill themselves at least has the right to die on their own terms, with dignity. It’ll never cease to baffle me how people insist on covering their ears and singing at the top of their lungs whenever the legitimacy of suicide is discussed.

    Alex 14th August 2012 at 11:34 pm
  12. Alex.

    You have a lot to deal with. However, you also have a lot going for you, despite how desperate and lonely you feel right now. Everyone lives with things about themselves they cannot change. In your case, it sounds like some things (like your Acne) will improve with time and proper treatment. Regarding the sensitive issue of the size of your “manhood”. Hmmm, that’s a tricky one. You’re right, of course, in what you say: there are far too many jibes made at men and, quite frankly, it is wrong. However, many men believe they are small, whereas they are really average – which is just about right! You might also be surprised to find that not every woman will judge you on the size of your penis and, of course, size doesn’t actually make any difference whatsoever to your sexual ability. The ability to understand and to excite is not confined to how large a man’s penis is, but more how large is imagination can be!

    If you’re wondering about counselling, read my latest article on here called “Tell me about it”. I cite my own experiences. Quite frankly, I advocate counselling for the things we can and cannot change, because I’ve found, so far, that quite often the things we feel we cannot change are not worth trying to and those that we can, are often dissolved by just opening up to someone who understands.

    I’m 49 and I’ve lived the past 14 years pretty much alone and many years prior to that. However, I still want to carry on living and trying to make my life better. I’m getting there.

    As for you… I don’t want you to die prematurely! I believe you are a man with a heart and a soul and I’m prepared to bet you’re a kind person; the type who understands others. Bonus! Don’t suffer in silence and don’t shut yourself away. I wish you were my friend; I’d make you laugh and I’d certainly not stare at you. I’d share my interests and do whatever I could to help you achieve your goals and find the love you deserve.

    Remember: CALM love you and appreciate you! Isn’t that a great place to start? And, if you read the other articles on here, you’ll find a lot of other men who understand your situation and probably have similar issues. Genuine, decent people will accept you for being you. Those who don’t, aren’t worth considering – honest!

    Graham Dudley 15th August 2012 at 5:08 pm
  13. CALM is a great idea but I’d never considered my loneliness meaning I wasn’t valued so thanks for opening up that new option haha

    Anonymous 16th August 2012 at 7:03 pm
  14. I have to agree with Alex most of what he said I can relate too. Hell I was always bullied at school because I was (still am) FAT. I’m 42 yes still a virgin, never had a girlfriend and didn’t/don’t go out clubbing even when I was younger. Like Alex I had a parent that kept me going but now they have passed and I sit here thinking WHAT HAVE I GOT LEFT TO LIVE FOR? simple answer NOTHING! I have no friends that I could talk to no one! I have no job because I was told by one employer that I am a fire hazard because of my size, hell I would be happy right now if I was left to burn in a building that was on fire. Been to the doctors about this and he has basically said we can’t help you unless you lose some weight, WTF I can’t lose weight I’ve tried I don’t eat much I go out for walks that last 3 hours or more! BUT the doctor always thinks it your fault for being fat (eat to much, don’t exercise, etc) I also have diabetes type 2 and the doctor also said eat health! how the F do I do that when I have little money to spend on food let a lone eat health? After paying the bills I have £3 a day to buy food and only thing that I could buy would things like cheap burgers, chips and sausages etc. I can’t even turn the heaters on when it gets cold because I don’t have the money left over. Yes my life sucks and thought many time on suicide (I have 200 paracetamol sitting) no one would know that I have killed myself because no one checks upon me as I have no friends or family any more hell I could do it now and the only time someone would know that I’m dead is the smell coming from my decomposing body in my flat, and that would take a week or more when it’s cold outside. Yes I’m depressed, yes I’m lonely, yes I’m not loved, yes I feel like ending it all, who would care or know I done it NO ONE!!!!! and yes John Doe is not my real name!

    John Doe 29th September 2012 at 5:50 pm
  15. John

    You are wrong in one important thing in what you write. I care! I am certain that the people at CALM care a great deal and I am also certain there will be others who care about you and what happens to you.

    I am not all that different to you. I am 49, but I am gay and most of my friends have married or just gone. I am fortunate in that I am not a virgin, but I am lonely and I miss the loves I thought I once had. I, too, am a tad overweight, although I have managed to lose some weight and it is a good feeling.

    It sounds as though your doctor isn’t helping you as they ought to! There are bad as well as good doctors. It might be worthwhile changing your doctor and talking about how you feel to someone more objective. You are lonely and depressed (gosh, I can relate to that) and that isn’t helping you. You just need some support and a friendly ear! We all need that.

    Whoever told you you were a fire hazard because of your size is also incorrect. There are very specific laws in place regarding this. You have been unfairly and illegally discriminated against. Don’t take that negatively; it isn’t your fault, it is theirs.

    If your doctor isn’t understanding your needs, then it is high time to find one that does and who is prepared to work with you and give you the correct advice. Just telling you to lose weight isn’t really helpful. You need some help with finding out why you are unable to.

    You have raised many important issues. You have also opened up very well and shown you are in touch with your feelings and problems, as well as able to express them. I believe you would benefit from being able to talk them through with someone. Your doctor SHOULD be able to offer this to you. I speak from experience again; I have been having counselling for 2 years. It has helped me considerably.

    Stay in touch! Update us! Whatever happens, don’t give up and remember that your life is special and how much you can bring to others. You’ve already done that on here – what have written about is valuable and very important.

    We live in a society where youth, looks (and in particular size) are so important. However, those who perpetuate this empty and insincere life also suffer when they lose their looks and when they, too, fall prey to life’s challenges. However, because all they have ever had to fall back on is their insincerity and fading looks, they are poorly equipped to handle a future without these attributes.

    WE are not like that, which makes us more interesting, caring, loving and kind. Remember that! Don’t shut yourself away as I have done. Take your future and go in search of happiness. Find the advice, support and help you need.

    I want to hear from you again and hope you will update me!

    Yours in friendship

    Graham

    Graham Dudley 2nd October 2012 at 10:15 am
  16. Alex
    I am a woman & although penis size counts it is not everything. For a woman often sex is about getting cuddles & massage. When it comes to penetration there is something that happens that isnt about the size. When a man feels a moment of excitement, an electricity goes inside the woman. Its like elctricity. Some people call it CHI or lifeforce. Its a power and its not the size of the body parts its the size of the emotions. You can touch someone on their arm and they feel nothing or you can touch them and they feel it is one of the most important moments of their life. If you dont believe me I suggest looking into reiki. Theres loads of people who wanna give you free reiki. Go and get yourself some experience of energy moving between 2 people. Women are wanting their hearts filled. They are programmed to be mothers. Thats why they crave warmth, affection & heart food rather than raw blinding pornography. Thats why theyre into Mills & Boon whilst the men are watching XXX porn with the massive dicks lol.
    I actually developed a massive crush on a man who was 20 years older with horrendous skin. Men can get away with looking rough. I myself still have acne at 37 & have come to realise what causes it. There are germs and tiny creatures that see a pore in the skin as perfect home. It is like a tiny burrow all prepared. All they have to do is go in and make a house a home so to speak. The body doesnt have the methods to get them to leave. Basically one good session of penerating the skin into the pores all the way through is like a germ apocolypse. You know when you are in the bath for a long time your hands wrinkle because the water has gone all the way through your skin? You can do the same with an antiseptic liquid on your face. And just like your hands it takes about an hour to sink through. What you do is get a movie you have seen before or your favourite album and put it on. (cos then you can lie still for an hour with a flannel over your face and be entertained) Then drench the flannel with Vodka and lie back. Its important not to get any in your eye. If it starts to get dry re-drench so your face is like in a bathtub for an hour. Then after cleanse the pores out with soap or whatever….all that hard stuff will be incredibly soft. Then the new empty pores put vodka inside them with a wipe and you are done. Its the healthiest think you can use. Vodka is something your body can proccess and not an unnatural toxic chemical.
    You shouldnt have to accept the acne. Just the thought of living with it of course you will develop a lot of mental problems. Oh and be careful of fingernails. If you touch your face then the same thing invading your pores can live in your fingernails. So you can blast the face then reinfect the face from the fingernails. Good luck & big hugs

    Michelle 10th October 2012 at 1:36 pm
  17. Tonybony. Those people are either not very nice people or you are doing something that is a ‘turnoff’ without realising it. I used to take people aside and ask them if Im doing something thats a turnoff friendshipwise. Noone would ever tell me. The best way is to identify all possible turn offs and work on them. These are some of the people I know:
    1) One woman I knew used to come in a cafe & with with a group of people fiddling with her nose a lot
    2) Another guy always had spills down his shirt
    3) My dad is incredibly long winded in explaining things and this drives people away
    4) Body smells and bad teeth
    5 Mine is talking a load of crap and of course ive inherited my dads long windedness dunno if youve noticed yet :P
    If you check all these then what you can do to break the cycle is go to social group where the theme is caring about other people. It could be therapy group or spiritual or just a load of women who wanna mother somebody. Then work on it there I reckon. Well thats what I did

    Michelle 10th October 2012 at 1:45 pm
  18. @Alex

    I’m 25……. 5F 7inch, weigh about 60kg because of the 4 years at the gym (at 21 I weighed about 47kg) oh and I have a 6″ penis. Did I also mention that I live at home and am also a virgin?. I have these 2 oversized teeth and inbetween them is a gap the length of the English channel. I have acne problems but I manage to control it now and my back is still covered with spots.

    I’ve been self conscious ever since I could remember. My self esteem takes a hit every time I look at an advert or everywhere else for that matter. I’ve only had 1 girlfriend at the age of 16 and that lasted a week. I wouldn’t even call it anything for that matter. I’ve graduated this summer with a degree in film and I can’t find a job so I’m stuck doing retail work with a minimum wage while my mom demands money that I don’t have and every morning I can hear her making calls to her friends saying how she is unlucky that she doesn’t receive any help and especially financial help from.

    At home I’m made to feel like a failure and outside the situation is not that far off. I’ve been under stress since I was 17 and I went through some serious periods of depression when I was at university to a point where the thought of ‘sleeping and never waking up’ was looming in my mind. At this point I decided to seek help from the counsellors at university. And for the first time I told a stranger that as a child I was sexually abused. And now I believe that my abuse has created an impenetrable fortress around me and I shield myself from people. I have serious trust issues and do not like to be touched by people as I automatically jump away in defence. I especially hate being touched from behind while unaware. I mask this by telling others I hate being tickled.

    What I’m trying to say is that, you are not the only one with problems. We all do, even those “perfect” people have problems too but they mask it with those smiles and their good looks. Since I turned 24, I’m beginning to like the skin I live in. I keep telling myself that I am not born into this world to please others but simply live my life and I’ll deal with any situation whatever come may. I spent a long time desperately looking for a relationship the fact that I couldn’t it has made me feel inadequate, lonely and destroyed my self esteem. Now I realise there is no point to that.

    My main object in life now is to love the skin I live in. I remember the time when I used to laugh or smile with a closed mouth because I didn’t want to show my two huge front teeth. Now I couldn’t care less not even if the whole damn line up of sugababes or the saturdays stood infront of me. If people don’t see past your looks then they don’t deserve you.

    I can’t write anymore as I’m having breakfast and about 10 minutes away from going to work, I’m still wearing my towel! I still have so much to say but I’ll live you with this, simply love the skin you live in, I know it sounds hard but I was in your situation, I used to have anxiety attacks in buses and walking around town as I felt everyone was looking at me. Now I sit in the bus like I own it and walk through town like a boss. I’m beginning to simply not care what people think of me. The more I do that, the more I feel comfortable about myself. Simply love the skin you live in. Oh and don’t worry if you feel inadequate down there, like I always say “Size doesn’t matter, it’s how you use it. You can have the biggest gun in the world but if you can’t aim, somebody is gonna get hurt.”

    I don’t mind talking with you or anyone else here for that matter, if you want to continue this conversation or talk about anything for that matter, feel free to contact me. Tell me here and I’ll send you my email. I think it’d be nice if there was a social group in Calm where people like us can sit down in a forum environment and simply talk. Talking makes a big difference.

    Mohammed 11th October 2012 at 10:54 am
  19. Just a quick note to ask that you DO NOT share email addresses on this site. CALM does not run any support groups or similar and we can’t permit our website to be used to set up or facilitate such groups.

    Thanks everyone,

    Team CALM

    Merseyside CALMzone 12th October 2012 at 10:50 am
  20. Becoming immune to loneliness = reaching invincibility?

    Although I must admit, once that reinvigorated sense of independence wears off, I’ll be the regular wanker on the shitbird express I was before again.

    I’m in my late twenties now. My life has been utter psycho-social loneliness for the past 15 years. I’m sick and tired of waiting for, yeah, for bloody fucking what actually …

    We’ll never find true happiness, a sense of stability, unconditional love … We weren’t hardwired that way, nor would this shitty society allow it.

    Anonymous 5th November 2012 at 12:56 am
  21. I am a 27 year old, reasonably attractive, female with a fiance whom I adore and a well paid job as an educator,” Lucky you!”you might think, and rightly so as I have worked hard and been fortunat ein many areas of my life. In spite of these positives I spend much of my time feeling lonely.

    My fiance and I moved a year ago so that I could get a full-time permanent contract. In doing this I moved a way from family and my close circle of friends, and I feel lost without them. Because I have,up until now, been a fairly confident individual I fear that if I told family and friends how I am feeling I would not receive much support but rather comments along the lines of , “Don’t be daft!” which is what my fiance said when I tried to speak to him.

    Although I am surrounded by pupils and colleagues at work I still feel very much alone: they (my colleagues) are all in their own friendship groups and I feel like I am on the outside looking in. I am not part of any in-jokes. I rarely laugh anymore. I miss it. Weekends aren;t an awful lot better: my fiance works both days from 9-7 and, without a group of friends, I never have any plans or reasons to leave the house and can go the whole day without using my voice. By the time my fiance arrives home from work I am often on the verge of tears, but don’t want to confide in him because of his previous reaction. At the same time I recognise that I am beginning to push him away because I’m starting to feel like I’m not interesting enough for him and that the only reason I have no friends here is because I’m one of the following: boring, not good at my job, childless or perceived as being an airhead because I try to take care of my appearance. My parents phone on Sunday to ask how my week has been and what I have done, my response is almost always, “Just work” or “Nothing much”

    I desparately miss having girlfriends who I can meet up with during the week or at the weekend. I miss having a social life. I’m 27 years old and feel like this constant feeling of lonliness is making me old (mentally and spiritually, if not physically) before my time.

    I’m not looking for sympathy – I’m sure that to many py problems may seem trivial, but even just writing his out has made me feel a little better. For a short while anyway.

    heranonymous 7th November 2012 at 11:46 pm
  22. Apologies for the typos in the above post – it is not my forte!

    heranonymous 7th November 2012 at 11:47 pm
  23. Hey. I just wanted to say thanks to the people who responded to me and tried give me a boost. I do appreciate it. I’m still in much the same mood, and still more or less the same old train wreck (although my skin has improved a bit, so baby step there I guess).

    I’m going to finally give the GP a shot next week. I hate showing people what makes me tick, confidentiality agreement or not, but my current path isn’t working.

    I still wish our society would stop covering it’s ears over those who desire suicide though. I still firmly believe that everyone should be given total control over their life; including when and why they want to end it. I’m not saying it should be encouraged, or that we should not push people to explore as many avenues as possible before ending their life, in the hope that they find the path that gives them something sustainable that makes them happy; but I still don’t think it’s fair to expect someone to live feeling trapped in a situation or as someone that drives them mad, when thee isn’t anything left they can do about it. People need to accept that there are those out there who genuinely feel that they have no place of belonging or purpose in this world (and I think I’m one of them); and they have to allow them to leave if that’s what truly feels right. The option to die peacefully with quiet dignity (under carefully monitored and controlled conditions) should be everyone’s right.

    Hope I haven’t depressed anyone too much, but there we go. I haven’t really got anywhere else I can express this sort of stuff, since most people flip out whenever considerations about suicide come up.
    Hope that didn’t depress anyone

    Alex 21st November 2012 at 3:43 am
  24. Reading this has made me feel gosh….errm…well not so completely alone and.. dunno really….

    I have friends, a job, family and a nice house….but I feel so isolated!
    People call me but I don’t answer the phone…I am taking drugs drinking my self into oblivion. I lie to friends saying I am out with other mates having this great time!!!
    I just keep thinking…one day things will get better……..and I’m sure they will

    Guys…reading this has helped me so much…. not sure how or why…but things will get better…

    Jimbob 28th December 2012 at 12:58 am
  25. Having read some of the posts has made me realise I too am not alone. I’m 48,and have been on my own for the past 12 yrs since my divorce.I’ve been fortunate to have worked in various countries throughout the world,and been in 2 war zones and lived to tell the tale…yet I am lonely!! I can’t get a decent job…as soon as prospective employers view my CV they are under the impression I will get bored woking in the UK and be off again overseas…I do sometimes think it would be better not to wake up in the morning,but this isn’t all the time and I know thinking this way is wrong..I guess I have too much time on my hands and too much time to continually think of the past;I lost my mother during my divorce and my father a year later..so it was a case of one big hit after another. I think I just put everything into a box,and now I have time on my hands the box is open and I’m trying to deal with everything I hid away from in the past..it’s caught up with me!I have called bereavement counsellors but they seem to be lost for words when I explain it all to them..they just say you have been through alot haven’t you..My Doctor just nods when I talk with him,and wants me to take anti depressants..no way..I’ve seen what they do to people..where would be a good place to start dealing with my issues,my divorce,my parents deaths..its all so jumbled at the moment..I need a start line.

    Chris 1st February 2013 at 9:28 pm
  26. This reply is for alex, ur skin problems are deffinatly affecting ur confidence and acne cause intense depression and anxiety, I know coz I’ve been there, please please do ur self da biggest favour of ur life, go make an appointment with a dermatologist and start a six month course of roaccutane, you will b free of acne, you will still have problems, but you,l b facing them with clear skin, and that’s gota b good. God bless u. X

    Ashputtle 1st April 2013 at 11:51 pm
  27. You’re not the only one. I’m 38 and the only realistic prospects I have to look forward to are fighting for the right to carry on fighting. There’s nothing wrong with my self esteem, I’m just not worth a great deal in the grand scheme of things which makes it hard to get the basic things that I need to get by. I can’t even remember when somebody last touched me as if I was a human being. I’ve been coming to realize just how much I resent my capacity to survive, because it’s frankly pretty amazing, but it’s not the same as living.

    My experience of counselling has been one where somebody pathologizes completely normal feelings of discontent about situations far beyond my control. I stopped when I realized that being asked to internalize somebody else’s inability to see the world as it really is was doing me more harm than good. They’re not the kind of problems that can be solved by thinking about them differently, and in trying to do so, I was just setting myself up to fail.

    That’s not to say that I’ve given up banging my head against various brick walls in monumental efforts to change my life, but simply that the added negativity of taking on board other people’s ideals is an unnecessary burden to have to carry in addition to health, housing, and employment dead ends. Talking about it is not going to make it possible for me to have children either, and there comes a point when I just have to face that reality and decide whether there’s anything else out there that might make it worthwhile fighting. I haven’t found much in the way of attainable aspirations.

    I think I liked my life better when I had poor self esteem, because then I had something to aim for if only I worked hard enough. When I stopped believing that I wasn’t good enough, I just realized that other people can be more two faced than I ever thought possible for those that walk the world as the normal majority. My insignificance to them was never a product of my imagination.

    Joshua 17th April 2013 at 5:31 pm
  28. I am 43 years old and can relate to this article. After my split from a long term relationship 13 years ago I have felt extremely lonely, I have had other relationships since but all have failed miserably and I have given up on trying to form a long lasting relationship. I come from a small family and I have very few friends who have got their own lives and families now and have very little time in which to spend with me and I find it extremely difficult to bond with new people and do not get out much. I work which is a good thing but still this doesn’t fill the voids I have in my life outside work. I am currently on anti depressants and my GP has recommended I have some form of counselling/talk therapy to deal with this because loneliness for me has resulted in me being anxious, feeling low, feeling irritable, sleeping badly and overall thinking I am a failure in life. I will keep you posted on how I get on with the counselling/talk therapy. Loneliness is not a happy place to be and cause other problems. So anyone out there reading this and feel the same way please at least try and get help before its too late (what have you got to lose ????) I am hoping it’s not too late for me and that one day I will be happy again. Good luck guys and gals x

    Donna 18th August 2013 at 9:41 pm
  29. I am so glad to see my very first article is still helping and receiving positive feedback. I check from time-to-time, to see how you lot are doing. I get a sense that things are changing for some of you and that it is for the better.

    Perhaps I am one of the “lucky” ones with regard to counselling; I met an absolutely fabulous counsellor, who helped me to understand so much about myself. Unfortunately, not a lot has changed in my life, but I do understand a lot more why I am like I am and what caused it, which has given me a degree of comfort. I now face a new future, which I am launching myself into with considerable trepidation, but I do have more faith in myself than ever.

    Be strong, my friends; listen to yourselves and read what you and others like you are writing, for it is through this friendship and understanding, that you can make a difference in your lives.

    Graham Dudley 9th December 2013 at 2:34 pm

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