Doctor Who and The Eternity Clocks – Reviewed!

After my positive and enjoyable experience with Mass Effect 3 (my hopes were high for this gaming year. Obviously, TEC isn’t in the same blockbuster game bracket as Mass Effect, few are, but such a mammoth cult TV show deserves an equally impressive game. First impression, not bad, decent cut scene, nothing mind-blowing, but decent. Ooooh I can push buttons in the Tardis and the Doctor walks like, well, the Doctor and says funny Doctor-like things. Then it went to shit.

For absolute fuck’s sake, who made this garbage? This type of limited, short-sighted, fun-less catastrophe is a bigger mess than any situation the Doctor ever gets himself into. In fact, I’d rather face Armageddon, armed only with a wooden spoon and a pair of sodden Y-fronts than insult modern gaming machines with this crap. Let me give you a situation in the game (minor boring *spoiler* ahead for any poor sap who ignores this review and forks out money on it):

The Doctor has to navigate various puzzles within the vaults of the Bank of England; one such puzzle involves monkey climbing along pipes from one platform to another. However, these platforms are connected via a frigging walkway! Now I’m not (yet) a genius on the same level as the Doctor, but if there was a choice between monkey climbing and walking to solve a puzzle, walking would win for me. What kind of idiot a) draws in an easy, yet inaccessible, route that makes a mockery of anyone’s common sense, and b) didn’t notice this stupidity and left it in the bloody game? Jesus wept.

I know that’s a minor issue, some stupid little artwork, but it’s just an example of the complete lack of care, joy and pride that has gone into making this game. What should be a wonderful accompaniment to a much loved and consistently excellent sci-fi show is instead a cash cow that Supermassive Massive Games have been given the license to. They’ve thrown any old crap onto a disc and high-fived themselves into oblivion at how awesome they are because minimal effort will result in cash pouring into their bank account. If it was free then I’d look upon it differently. But YOU are expected to pay for this! Well let’s put a stop to this nonsense now. I bloody love Doctor Who and I am not prepared to allow this abomination to sully its good name. Once you’ve read this I want you to get this trending on twitter:

#doctorwhoTECiscrap

Until we, the consumer, let games developers know that we will not accept their half-hearted, franchise destroying rubbish into our homes we will continually be disappointed when we spend our hard earned cash on tripe like this. Let’s be honest, it’d be more fun burning the £20.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT SPEND MONEY ON THIS GAME!

0.5 out of 10 (and that’s only because Matt Smith is cool).

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6 Responses to

Doctor Who and The Eternity Clocks – Reviewed!

  1. How can anyone take you serious with writing like that? Reviews should be objective, not abusive.

    Bug 24th May 2012 at 12:42 pm
  2. Whether people take me seriously or not is up to them, I simply state my own opinion. Which is the whole point of a review. They are mine and mine alone. Not everyone will agree with me and I’m happy to accept that.

    Reviewer 24th May 2012 at 1:00 pm
  3. I agree with Bug, this is just pure hate.

    you may consider a game to be very bad, but you should still pose a view from all sides.

    For example, the puzzles may be overly complicated, the flow is jagged and the gameplay a bit schizophrenic, But the acting by Matt Smith and Alex Kingston is still very nice, the story works well and feels like the show with an also episodic level design.

    Also, you paid £20? *cough*

    Ivan 24th May 2012 at 2:42 pm
  4. Hate is a strong word that is commonly overused. It’s not hate. It’s disappointment with a side portion of bitterness and a strong after taste of dislike.

    Reviewer 24th May 2012 at 3:02 pm
  5. C’mon man, this is barely a review at all! Paragraph 1 is an intro, 2 is an aimless rant, 3 is a brief description of one tiny scenario from ONE LEVEL of the game, 4 is another massive rant (this time inciting others to publicly rant along with you) and 5 is a continuation of 4.

    Whether you liked it or not is irrelevant if you’re not even going to actually talk about the game. Perhaps if you were constructive in your criticism Supermassive might be able to learn from your feedback.

    Paul 26th May 2012 at 10:42 pm
  6. Here’s my thing with all of this hate (and yes, it is a strong word. But that’s exactly what you’re giving off here.). If you’re a fan, you love it regardless. Yeah, it may be glitchy or cheesy feeling…but the show is cheesy. I don’t see you off programming/coding a game, so I can’t take anything you have to say seriously. It’s really annoying when people just go off on rants and criticize something a lot of people have put a lot of work into, especially when the person ranting obviously has no respect for said team of people. Appreciate it for what it is and the fact that you had the chance to see some more of The Doctor while we wait for his return this fall. That’s all there is to it.

    Kelsey 28th May 2012 at 6:13 pm

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