Depression is unquestionably a stress-related illness. Going to university, like any other positive life-changing experience is, to varying degrees, a stressful event. My doctor told me that it can be sufficiently stressful in itself to induce an episode of depression and that there are many cases every year.
There are several forms of depression but only the uni-polar and recurrent form is referred to here. The hardest thing to do when depressed is socialising. The hardest thing to combat is not sleeping. The nearest comparison I can make with depression would be like having a permanent hangover: loss of appetite; mild nausea; just wanting to lie down and not talk to anyone; no motivation; and generally having a negative outlook on things.
In my case, I was already clinically depressed some time before – I wasn’t diagnosed yet. The age of 18 appears to be a common age for it to strike in overwhelming magnitude. My darkest moments came within my second week of university. I was hardly sleeping, becoming increasingly withdrawn, not washing myself nor, eating properly. I remember coming very close to passing out in the shower a couple of times from being so energy-sapped. The showers were in a communal area so there was always a risk of bumping into someone along the corridors, which in itself became another deterrent.
I was still fighting it and hanging in there but it was getting steadily worse. I remember going to volleyball training for the first time. Ordinarily a great opportunity to meet people however, my self-esteem was rock bottom and could barely look anyone in the eye. We did a few drills and I began to sweat. I hadn’t washed for four days and it’s not difficult to imagine, understandably, the pointing and whispering. I’d never felt so miserable. I thought about suicide that evening, the different methodologies and locations. What to write in my suicide note and to whom I should send it. Only the knowledge that I would leave my mother devastated prevented me from doing something stupid.
After making a panic call to the university councilor the following morning, I managed to get an emergency appointment. She diagnosed me instantaneously saying that I was exhibiting all the classic symptoms of depression. I was advised to return home to my parents immediately and seek help from my GP. I caught the next train and spent the following three weeks seeing my GP every other day. I was prescribed anti-depressants and assured that I would return to normal in a couple of months. I was adamant that this was how I would end up – a sad loser.
I did return back to normal in the indicated time scale and what’s more, I entered the ‘wake-up’ phase. My brain rebooted. Feelings of relief, euphoria and possibility took hold. It was so novel being able to listen to people and effortlessly process the information, not having to feign a laugh - my emotions returned.
Depressed people can be perceived as unresponsive, and to strangers, slightly retarded. They are terrible company. A vicious circle beings - isolation is lonely and awful which can make you desperate for company, but deriving no enjoyment in the company of others coupled with feeling incredibly self-conscious and having them feel sorry for you can make you desperate for solitude. The best single piece of advice I can give is to be open and honest with family and friends and to not try and go it alone.
Life can be difficult at times anyway but one’s capacity to deal with problematic situations is compounded when clinically depressed. It’s extremely difficult to concentrate and focus on external events when the mind’s focus is almost entirely introspective. Negative thoughts arrive in abundance and seem never-ending. You know in your in mind that you are ill and that it would be unwise to accept everything that enters the mind as being true. That then begs the question: How do you know which thoughts to believe and which ones not to believe? This is where I turned to CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).
No one is immune to depression – anyone can suffer a form of loss, whether it be bereavement, health, employment, independence, freedom, a way of life, self-esteem, relationship, financial security – these are all triggers. Some people are more susceptible through genetic predisposition or a childhood antecedent.
I am likely to be genetically predisposed as my father is and my maternal grandfather was a sufferer. I am certain it’s an antecedent which is most responsible for my recurring episodes. I was the first-born and my father could not cope with not now being the number one love of my mother’s life. He clearly wasn’t expecting this and effectively rejected me from day one. This explains my acute sensitivity to any form of rejection.
Throughout my childhood, I was resented and treated differently to my younger brother. I was belittled in front of others, offered no encouragement, dealt with unfairly and inconsistently and he did not spend any more time with me than was necessary. Any opportunity to criticise my actions was taken. Growing up, if someone attacked my me, I saw it as being normal and expected so there was never a reaction. No matter how good my behaviour was and how bad my brother’s behaviour was, there was no change. I found myself copying my brother in every way wrongly believing that I would be treated identically. My paternal relationship deteriorated rapidly to the point where we were rarely found in the same room together and did not communicate unless it was unavoidable.
During childhood our attitudes and belief systems form. One of my beliefs, was that I was defective in some way. As a result, some of the negative attitudes I developed were apathy, despondency and avoidance as a solution to life’s problems. These become deeply embedded and are every difficult to break away from.
Ever since being diagnosed with suffering from depression, I have set out to try and understand it. Since it's my belief that depression is stress-related, it seems logical that stress management along with time management could be very beneficial. I turned to a handful of books and other resources for help.
Do I still need to revisit these books? Yes but not often. Something pretty bad, or of great magnitude, has to happen for me spiral back into an episode. I find relationship break-ups extremely difficult to deal with but then doesn’t everyone?
The hectic lifestyle and demanding job can take it's toll. That's when I forego some of my self-protecting activities. If this continues for a sustained period of time my diet, sleep and relationships with loved ones inevitably suffer.
As well as the self-help techniques, exercise is another stress-buster. At the end of a gym session I’m in a buzzing, vibrant mood ready to do anything or talk to anyone. One great way to maintain motivation for exercise is to enter into a charity race with a bunch of mates well in advance.
A varied and balanced diet also contributes to keeping energy levels raised and as a consequence, skin condition and complexion also benefits. You’ll find that the more exercise you do, the less likely you are to eat badly as i) you won’t want to undo all the hard work you’ve just put in and ii) you will be much more motivated to try cooking something different with fresh ingredients.
If you’re fit, it’s surprising how far you can run in 15 minutes. If you’ve got one of Gordon Ramsay’s books, it’s surprising what you can prepare and cook in ten minutes. Add to that Carole Gaskell’s, “Spend ten minutes per day spring cleaning your life” - well, it works for me.
Read "Depression, my stress-related illness: The remedy"
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