Self Harm

“I can’t remember when I first started hurting myself. And I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve sat in A&E waiting to be stitched up, only to walk out afterwards and repeat the whole process.

I do remember when I last hurt myself. Twelve months ago this July. I never thought I could go a month, let alone a year, without resorting to cutting myself. But with the help of both CALM and my friend at the City Centre Project I’ve actually found out what its like to be happy. Not all the time, but certainly some of the time. And when things do get bad, when things start to get on top of me again, I can cope with the building frustration without resorting to a knife.

I’m 26 years old and currently doing computer studies. When I’m not at college I spend time at the City Centre Project providing support to young people with housing needs. None of this, particularly college, would have been possible a few years ago.

My life was dominated by a lot of emotional baggage that frequently sent me into periods of despair. Early on in my childhood I’d found some sort of release from these feelings through harming myself. The relief would only be short-lived and it wasn’t uncommon for me to return to the hospital two or three times a night. On one or more occasion, I tried to end it once and for all.

Not surprisingly, I’ve talked to GP’s, been referred to community psychiatric nurses and seen numerous other support groups. Each time I got worked up about the visit, frustrated when I tried to explain how I felt to these people and nearly always left feeling worse than when I’d arrived. And although I’ve got some sound mates, they were the last people I could talk to about something like this.

It was friends at the City Centre Project who mentioned CALM. When I first rang the helpline I had the same feelings as before – why am I doing this? How can I explain how I feel? How can they help? But they did. Not straight away. I wasn’t one magic phone call and the world was all right. I spoke to the CALM advisors on and off for over 12 months. I became a familiar voice at the end of the phone and so did they.

So how did CALM help me? The biggest thing for me was that I didn’t have to speak to them in a face-to-face situation. Don’t ask me why but it was a whole lot easier talking down the phone. They would listen and were totally non-judgemental. They helped me become self-reliant and to find ways of coping with my frustration without the need for knives or drugs.

Now when everything gets on top of me, I can try to distract myself from the worst thoughts by playing on my computer, getting out of the house or something. Sometimes, it’s just a question of willpower – thinking things through and fighting the urge to hurt myself.

The problem is that most men are ridiculously stubborn and it’s just not a bloke thing to do – talk about emotions. At the end of the day, what helped me was talking things through with someone, and in a situation, I felt comfortable with and in control of. Sometimes it’s the smallest problems, about anything from arguments with a friend, or not having enough money to buy a pint, which seem to spiral out of control when you don’t have anyone to talk to about them. You don’t have to be suicidal to Call CALM.

I am proud of what I’ve achieved and CALM has been a real help. It has meant I can get on with my life and do things I never dreamt of, like going back to college. It’s not always easy, but at least I’ve got other ways of coping now and someone who I feel I can always talk to.”