When I was younger I lived with my Mum, Dad and twin sister. My mother and father had an abusive relationship, resulting in violence a lot of the time, and they were both dependent on alcohol. This left me and my sister feeling quite insignificant, worthless and useless, we learnt that Mum and Dad were angry adults, and we generalised this to all adults, so we both just lived our own lives, excluding adults, as they didn’t seem to care.
Dad would abuse my sister sexually; and this was pretty much how life was for us, I can remember times where I would try to defend my sister, and getting hurt myself, but I loved my sister and I would do anything to try and protect her.
One thing led to another, and someone must have reported our family to social services (I’ve never found out who) and we were moved into a children’s home temporarily. We were about 12 at the time, and it was quite confusing and overwhelming and threw up so many different feelings for us both, we had suddenly moved into a home with many young people, who were experiencing all kinds of problems, and we were being looked after by many care workers who worked shifts.
We didn’t cope, and I began to show violence towards the carers, while my sister would keep quiet and hide her feelings. I was violent towards my sister and the teachers and pupils at school, now I can see that this was because of the learnt behaviour I gained off my parents. In the end I was moved away from my sister (I physically hurt her) and I was placed into another children’s home.
Things didn’t go much better here, I felt like such a let down and so lonely. I had nothing. I turned to cigarettes, drugs and alcohol, and this turned into a daily routine for me. The drug problem started off with drugs like Cannabis, but turned into more serious drugs like Heroin and Speed. I got in with the wrong crowd of people, and I would beg, borrow and steal to get the money to buy drugs. Drugs took over and controlled my life and who I was. I would react to anything with aggression, anger and violence. I was expelled from three schools for bad behaviour; I pretty much had given up.
I got into so much trouble, with the police and to be quite honest, I can’t work out why I never got off with more than a warning from the police! I met a girl from school, who became a real “friend” to me and we got together as girlfriend/boyfriend. She was someone I could turn to when I felt depressed and down. We had our ups and downs, and countless arguments, but we stuck together.
At the beginning of last year she fell pregnant. I think this is the point where I realised I needed to sort myself out, and at first I didn’t, I would still go out, get drunk and show anger towards people. Deep down I knew this was wrong, but it was my way of life. I guess it dawned on me that my girlfriend was carrying a little person, who was mine, and having had pretty bad experience with my biological family, almost made me determined to make this relationship positive.
How was I going to get there? Well like I said, I was using anger, drugs and violence, but I couldn’t sort that out on my own. I knew I needed to develop trust in somebody, an adult (or adults) to help me. It was developing this trust, which I found so hard. In the end I contacted a few charities and help-lines, and I found support there, I guess it helped because I was at a “safe” distance, they did not know who I was, they couldn’t see me and they couldn’t interfere with my carers/social services.
I think personally, the hardest thing was for me to accept is people are there to help me, people want to help me and people can help, whether the people are professionals, charity workers or friends. My life isn’t perfect now, I am still working through issues and learning new coping mechanisms, which I can use which are positive and help me.
I started getting angry at the age or 12/13 my dad was violent he’d been violent to my mum in the past i found out he’d hit her head of cupboards ripped all her hair out also smashed her head off my bunk bed when i was little my mum rang out the house and drove herself to the hospital in the middle of the night in her slippers and pjs crying my mum would constantly call the police and then finally he stopped but when i was 9 he started on me still this day i ask him why? hes reply is you was bad child when you was younger he never explained why he hit me or the reasons why i used to run up the stairs and scream cry lock myself in my room and he’d kick the door let me in id ring my mum at work and tell her and he’d Deni it my mum didn’t believe me at first he used to throw me to the floor head butt me punch me slap strangle at first i was scared i used to run i got to 13 i was still abit scared of my dad i started smoking occasionally when i was 12 it wasn’t a regular thing just now and then and then started to give up around 13 but id replace it with drink id get loads of drink and drink it as fast as i could then i go out go round my aunties which was my dads twin sister and that was when i started to get aggressive id shout and scream , my dad used to hit himself in the face infront of me he’d smash things my mum fell pregnant when i was 11 with my little brother while my mum was pregant my dad used call her a fat ‘c u n t’ also when i was 12 i was overweight he used to call me lard ass , fat cunt he used to tell me no boys guna want to go near you i wan’t you to stay fat so they don’t go near you i managed to lose the weight i dropped 3 stone in 6 months it didnt stay off though it was up and down i also had very bad skin which used to put me down i felt ugly even my own dad would tell me i finally went to doctors when i was 12 and went on actnee tablets that worked after 3 months and i was alot happier then this excessive hair growth started appearing on the sides of my face,neck,chest,belly.top backs of legs it was like just one thing after another my dad started calling me a fat hairy gerbil he used to say to me no boys going to want you anless your a bloody good ‘shag’ my dad would get drunk every weekend bring men back to the house there’d be men sleeping on my sofa downstairs then other times he’d be nice sometimes id think he was Schizophrenia one min he was nice the next he’d flip when i got to the age of 15 i managed to get Lazar treatment which im still under going 2 years later its got alot better but im still low confidant also left with very bad anger issues i tend to have got the blame for alot when i was younger so when my mum speaks about fights ive had in the past or anything like she blaming me or says something i dont like i i start shouting then its like somethings building up inside me and i need to let it out and i tend to do that by punching things smashing things i never hit my mum but sometimes she makes me so angry i go to but i cant my hand shakes and i cant which is good my mum and dad have finally split up after 18 years my mum has a new boyfriend whos a police man i don’t like new people i don’t really know seeing the way i flip or go mad because i now its wrong but i feel if i dont smash head but something i cant realize the anger inside my boyfriend and mum call me a syko somethings and i get quite out of control and it angers me when they say that ive tried to top myself afew times because im sick of been made out to be the bad one my dads Daniel he Denis hitting me when i was 16 i was having a row with my mum which he got involved in he got up right close in to my face i stopped been scared of him around 15 i pushed him out my face he was on crunches at the time i didn’t push him hard anoth for him to fall over but he makes out and lies to people that i did if i did i don’t see how he would have been able to lif hes crutch straight back up and smack me in the face with it he was standing while he did this in my eyes he bobbled then looked at me pulled a screwed up face then smack the crutch into my face my lip swelled up and my nose was bleeding and i fell to the floor with my eyes drowsy that was the first time i actually heard my dad say sorry to me i don’t know if he actually ment it though i dont think he did as my mum said she was calling the police and he said sorry and started crying saying don’t do this to me please im on crutches you cant put me in there like this in the end my mum just told him to get out , we was going for a family meal that night for my mums birthday luckily my mum had an ice pack and my lip went down but my nose was still quite swollen later on i had to decide if i wanted to send my dad to prison or not i didn’t know what to do my head was all over the place couldn’t understand why i couldn’t just have a normal dad i used to steal money of my dad only because he never gave my mum a penny or me and he used to come in and eat all the food my mum had brought with her own money after hed been out getting drunk i found out recently when i was 16 he took drugs still which i didnt know about but explains he had a rap of cocaine in my mum and his bedroom my brother was about 3 at the time and i said to my dad what would you have done it my brother had found that thought it was sweets and took it! ive thrown it away he said what you throw it away for i could of had that and laught i could go on forever i really could now my mum and dad have split my mum as a boyfriend and is currently going threw a divorce she says to me that now my dad is gone i can stop behaving like this but its not that simple its a feeling i get i need to realize and i know its wrong but i realize it but smashing head butting punching things and it calms me down when i head but things i get this dizzy feeling that makes me go all drowsy and calms me down and i just sit there and think after ive smashed something of my mums or upset her ill sit and cry i know its wrong but i really cant help it ive had times were ive tried to overdoes my mum says to me she got rid of one syko she dont need another one and talks about sending me to nut houses my dad says i cant blame him but my brothers starting to pick up on my behavior just by watching me so is that not how i picked up things it frustrates me how my dad pretends there’s nothing wrong with him and its just me and now this divorce is about hes trying to be my friend after saying he’d disowned me i think its because of money in the divorce settlement all i want is to be happy confidant not feel frustrated my dad tells me he cares but why would he suddenly care now after all this time after the way he was and treated me and dening ever hitting me with crutches to social services my mums the only person i really have left even though my boyfriend says he there for me he could go at any time im not relying on him to be there he can walk any time now my mums got a new boyfriend i feel shes changed quite abit she used to be there for me alot more and certain things she does really sets me off that i think are inappropriate
with all my personal issues i found out i have pcos , from all this ive pretty much just become a health freak im on a diet i dont smoke i dont drink i dont do drugs but im just obsessive about the way i look i think people are looking at me i dont feel attractive , maby if the hair was gone and i was a size 8/10 id be happier cause it angers me when i look at myself then the rest is with my dad in denial and just snap easy when things are said or if someone starts on me insist on fighting me i kinda flip and take it out of control im scared that one day i wont stop as people have to drag me off when i get in that situation i never hit first though i wait for someone to hit me first i just take it out of control i feel like another person sometimes when i have a really bad flip out.