I have been lucky enough to fly most budget airlines (when I say lucky I mean skint, when I say fly, I mean tolerate).
On a recent jaunt abroad to the distant lands of mainland Europe I sat sweating in a barren departure lounge like a limp Lidl salad.
I spotted a herd of ‘speedy boarders’ stampede towards their designated lane like smug, pre-tanned cattle, faffing around with their Kindles (another rant for another time).
My blood began to simmer…
“Check you out with your speedy boarding pass!
We’re getting on the same plane mate, we’ll get there just as fast!
You’ve gone from sitting down, to sitting on your arse…
Oh how I wish I had a speedy boarding pass!”
…I whispered, menacingly.
I presume these are very busy individuals and do not have the time to contemplate the utter pointlessness of the magic ticket that they hold proudly for all to see, as if to say ‘do you see that plane, I could buy that plane’ and yes they probably could buy it if they were a bit more savvy when spending money.
If the flight is delayed by two hours then surely the advantage of getting on the plane thirty quid out of pocket but a whole five minutes before the ‘remaining’ passengers is somewhat diminished.
You’re going to be served the same beige lasagne, meat or veg it all tastes the same.
You’re going to be sold the same bottle of Eau de Dull by the same uninspired poor sod, who has another two flights to Alicante and back before they can stop pretending to be ‘delighted to have you onboard’.
Surely the less time you spend crammed into this giant fuel laden Calippo, waiting to be launched out of Essex towards a slightly sunnier version of Essex, the better!
A speedy disembark pass on the other hand…