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Open Letter to The BBC…Doctor WHAT?!

Jack Shannon has some radical new ideas for the Dr Who producers…hmmmmm, we’re not so sure…

To whom it may concern,

May I first of all say that I am a bit of a fan of Dr Who. And that’s not being modest. I am just a bit of a fan. It’s an ok show and I will watch it with other people.

But it could be so much more than that. It could be fantastic! I wanted to share my thoughts with you on how to make this happen:

WE LOSE MATT SMITH 

Smith is a great actor. No questions there. But what he has had to work with has been pretty difficult. And if a job is difficult then how can your expect someone to be good at it? No-one has ever said that playing The Doctor was a piece of piss, and it’s high time that changed!

We need a new Doctor and a fresh start. A Doctor who isn’t afraid to kick a bit of ass when the time comes for it.

THE NEW DOCTOR 

First of all, we have to examine what The Doctor is like: Optimistic, energetic, skilled at subterfuge, enchanted and enthralled by the human condition and fiercely pacifistic despite the easy option of violence.

The new Doctor should be described as follows:

A figure lies slumped in the gutter of a city centre. A once fine suit stained with the dregs of an old kebab, and half empty bottle of White Lightening (As this is the BBC we would have to obscure the label, maybe with a sleeping tramp) is clasped in a gnarled and calloused hand. The wrong side of forty, he looks far older as a lifetime of debauchery and cheep liquor have taken their toll. He wears a bow-tie and pocket silk made from marker pens and an old toilet roll tube which is stained . After blinking savagely at the sunlight he lurches to life.

The new Doctor is motivated primarily by hatred. Partly of humanity, partly of society and conventional morality. But mainly of sobriety. He is also violently bigoted against obscure fantasy ethnic minorities. Instead of “Alon-zee!” or “X are cool!” his catch phase should be “FUCKING DROW ELVES!” followed by the middle finger. This won’t offend anybody in real life except people who think that children’s television characters shouldn’t swear.

It is important to note that instead of a general acceptance and taking people as they find them, this new regeneration has nothing but contempt for the working classes and speaks with an extremely posh voice in the manner of a countryside badger-baiting sociopath.

Rather than run around with unabashed infectious enthusiasm, The Doctor should stumble-lurch from scene to scene – mumbling bitterly to himself about what could have been. Springing only to action to commit unspeakably brutal acts of violence when threatened- usually preceded with “DID YOU SPILL MY FARKING PINT YOU BLADDY SHIT! I’LL FARKING GLARSS YOU!”

Despite a normally sullen and grim faced demeanour, The Doctor takes a morbid delight in shattering the dreams and ideas of others – relishing the flood of emotions that overcome them as their simple perceptions of the universe are shattered, his own jaded bitter heart feeling alive in those moments of unrelenting terror. He offers no comfort to his companions in these instances, rather he laughs into their faces – spittle and the stink of rancid kebabs washing over them as they tear at their own eyes in response to the bleak cosmic horror of an uncaring universe.

THE COMPANION 

Instead of a young attractive women, The Doctor will pick up a 20 something man with modern facial hair to act on the basis that “I NEED A FARKING WING MAN AND YOU’RE JUST ABOUT UGLY ENOUGH FOR THE JOB!”

Max is a 2nd year chemistry student and member of the Green party. He has a girlfriend called Sara who is always asking him why he is “hanging around with the dreadful old tramp”. The Doctor has said on several occasions that she is “a right prick.”

As well as a passion for the environment, Max has an optimistic outlook on life. He isn’t quite sure what he believes, but he thinks that there has to be something out there and that there probably is a God and a soul. The Doctor loves to cruelly destroy these beliefs one by one over the course of the series.

EPISODE STRUCTURE 

Each episode starts with The Doctor passed out unconscious with Max desperately trying to perform first aid whilst praying he won’t be left alone to die in the cold darkness of space. Several times he is “Just farking with you old boy!” and just pretending to have passed out.

After this Max will either state some vague idea such as “I dunno…I mean, some things are just right, and some things are wrong no matter where you are. Like murder or something ”  The Doctor will then start a small chuckle which will then develop into a full blow guffaw. The following adventure will be a festival of decadence and brutality which will in turn destroy such ideas like the existence of God, the soul, universal morality and empathy.

At the end of each episode the Doctor will be sitting in the pub, laughing insanely while halfway through his fifth pint whilst Max looks into the middle distance, catatonic with horror.

In one episode, The Doctor revels he actually lost his Physic Paper years ago as he swapped it with a tramp in exchange for “A blowie and half a can of special brew”. The tramp is now ruling Britain in the style of 1984. I think we could get some kind of funding for making a political point but I’m not sure on how to fill out the forms.

EXPENSES

I understand that Matt Smith is paid £200K a year to play The Doctor and I am pleased to say I would be willing to play The Doctor in exchange for only £21K plus travel expenses. On the surface this appears to be excellent value for the license payer, but I’m not going to lie to you- an awful lot of the budget is going to be spent on lap dancers and gammon. Like, all of it.

Please give me a call or email me so we can discuss this further and arrange a meeting with Matt to gently break the news that the corporation will be letting him go. I have a Taste card so…Pizza Express?

Yours,

Jack Shannon BA

(the BA stands for “Bad-Ass” )

Artists impression of the new Doctor and Companion:

 

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