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THE RANT: Trousers

OK, I’m going to pre-empt the comments that the next few hundred words may prompt and flag the following:

–          Yes, I am in my mid thirties

–          Yes, I am a grumpy shit (my girlfriend recently suggested I am “at least 40% Basil Fawlty”, which I took a compliment, even though it wasn’t wholly intended as such)

–          I’ve never been known as a fashion pioneer

–          The last time I bought some jeans I took them to a tailor to get adjusted so they would fit better and not drag on my heels.

Regardless of the above, however, I really must get something off my chest – and, no, it’s not a knitted Aran cardie with suede elbow patches.

Quite simply, what the fuck is going on with trousers these days? When did showing your entire pants become acceptable? What is wrong with a belt? And what is the appeal behind looking as if you have actually shat your knickers?

Have thousands of years of culture, fashion and civilisation really brought us here – to a time when walking around with your trousers almost literally round your ankles is deemed acceptable? For the love of Dawkins, is this not a massive evolutionary backward step, where a fashion fad means we’re unable to escape danger? I’m not sure about you, but I’d wager good money that the fashionista walking around with his kecks round his knees won’t outrun the tiger I set upon him.

I understand the history of the fashion – US jails remove belts as potential weapons or means of self harm, so ‘jail slacks’ (note: newly invented terminology) are naturally low slung, and hip-hop artists started mimicking this look – but whilst 2Pac may have had the capacity carry it off with aplomb, an acne ridden teenager from Maidstone doesn’t quite have the same caché. For one thing, I doubt 2Pac ever wore Scooby Doo boxers.

I just can’t imagine getting up in the morning and having to think “well, I would wear this t-shirt, but it clashes terribly with my favourite pants, which I plan on showing the world today”. This is a concern that should never happen.

Honestly, I know I sound like someone’s granddad, but please – for the love of God and your own safety – can we make it stop?


If you want more rants from Chris, check out his regular column in CALMzine


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