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THE RANT: New Year’s Resolutions

It’s nearly that time of year again – the annual half-hearted attempt at committing to being less of a bastard; to definitely getting that new job; to exercising more, and in fact, to stopping smoking / drinking / or for the less adventurous, scoffing cupcakes; or perhaps finally deciding to get down to business writing that book you’ve stupidly told everyone about, despite it having – the more you think about it – about a dozen major plot holes.

So, in the festive spirit, I’ve thought of some more things for people to consider as New Year’s Resolutions, just to, you know – diversify it a little.

1/ I will remember, as I stand in the aisle of this packed train at quarter past eleven at night, shouting loudly about absolutely nothing, that I took this train to get home where I will sleep off the dozen jagerbombs I stuck down my neck, and did not join it as the Train Cabaret Act, as I mistakenly seem to currently believe.

2/ I will not try and force more than six chips at a time into my yawning chasm of a gob, because I will remember that Mankind has evolved over hundreds of thousands of years and that I must not single handedly take us, as a species, closer to the Neolithic.

3/ I will not mistake the tops of escalators for viewing platforms and will instead act like a bloody grown-up and keep walking forwards, to avoid everyone stumbling into the back of me [note, you may swap ‘top of escalators’ for ‘doors’ if you wish]. I will also not try and take a shopping trolley onto an escalator because clearly only a fucking MORON would do that.

4/ I will remember that life is a series of choices, such as ‘walking down the incredibly busy Bishopsgate, OR playing Candy Crush Saga on my mobile phone’ and will stop trying to do both at once, and get in everyone’s way.

5/ Actually, while we’re on the topic… I will remember that I am in fact a thirty five year old adult with a family, and that I must stop spamming anyone connected with me on Facebook about how I have just completed Level 125 on Candy Crush Saga, or invite them to play because I can’t get past Level 130.

6/ I will appreciate clever things a lot more and not sulk that I can’t get the whole of The Beatles back catalogue for free, or that a bookshop has the temerity to ask £8.99 for a book – a book, written by someone from thoughts in their own head and then put to paper. Because I can’t have everything for free because that would make me a sulky stroppy toddler asking for rusks, when actually things cost money and the clever people who make them deserve some reward for creating music or stories IN THEIR HEADS.

7/ I will learn, like, that, like, the English language is, like, an amazing thing, right yeah? And will not systematically abuse it, like, with a volley of, like, unnecessary, like, Valley-speak idioms that make me sound like a broken talking, like, Barbie and Ken doll. I will also learn how to use apostrophes and not simply assume they indicate “here comes a fucking ‘s’”.

8/ I will NOT have a loud conversation in public with my boyfriend – especially if he has teeth that look like they’ve been punched out from the inside – about what his sex face looks like. This is because no-one wants to know, least of all the nice man sitting on the table next to you in the coffee shop trying to read a book.

Okay, so that last one is a particularly specific resolution….


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