I wrote the following after a day of seeing people talk a lot about Mental Health and depression after the wonderful actor Robin Williams passed. Many whom shared their own touching experiences, and many whom used it as a opportunity to brag about how amazing they are or how it is something you can “get over”. It’s not that easy, and below is how I feel at least 3 days a week. It’s not as easy as “getting over it” or “it will get better” – I’m sure it will, and I’m here for your positivity, but it hasn’t got better in the last 6years, so why will it now?
Having this constant need to cry and be over emotional. The headache never leaves, you just sort of learn to ignore it until you can’t ignore it anymore and you find yourself in a bathroom, bedroom or behind a wall crying your eyes out to release all that emotion quick enough so nobody will notice. Then you’re ok for a while. You let it out, all that pain and worry, and you’re stable. You’re fine now. Until it happens again. It could be five minutes, five hours or five days. Like the calm before a storm. Will the next storm be a light bit of rain with a rainbow or will it be a tsunami of never ending sadness you can’t control, not knowing where it came from or why it came. You can’t breathe, you can’t even speak. Slow down. Itchy palms. Why are you talking so fast? Slow down. There is nothing you can do to control the shaking, the worrying or fear and you can’t think of anyone to call despite having a phone book full of names and numbers bursting at the seams. Why would you want to burden them? They don’t care. They’re busy doing their own thing. Sure, they say they’ll be there, they’ll always be there, right? If you ever need anything, they’ll be there. Isn’t that what they say? Whatever. They are only going to gossip about you once they leave anyway. You can already see them laughing about how pathetic you’re being. You’re just attention seeking. You’ve been watching too much of those television programmes. You’re a mess. You don’t want to burden anyone anyway, so it’s all good. They’re all busy. Look at you, you’re just a loner. Not as if you have cancer or you’re dying. You’re being being dramatic. You’re just being weak and need to man up. That’s what they’ll say….
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