We all have that little voice inside our heads. That little voice of doubt. For some of us it’s a quiet one, not always noticeable, but for others it can be loud. Very fucking loud.
I recently received my redundancy notice at work. As of March 31st 2016 I’ll be out of a job, and it seems to have given that little voice a megaphone and the freedom to say what it wants. I’m at a bit of a crossroads with my career I suppose; I can’t see the part of the health sector I work in being around for much longer but it’s what I’m trained in and what I know. This uncertainty, this feeling that I should do something different, move onto something else I’m passionate about, in a way it’s exciting but in the very same way it’s fuelling that doubt, taking me back to how I felt when I’ve previously been out of work. And that’s not good.
Here are some of thoughts and motivations I’ve had and also what that little voice has said, which has stopped me from going forwards.
Me: “I could go for that job, I’d be frigging awesome.”
Other me: “Nah mate, there’ll be people much more qualified than you”
Me: “I’ll start that journalism course.”
Other me: “Fuck off, you can’t even write regular blog posts.”
Me: “I’ll be strong for my team, they’ll need support to deal with the bad news.”
Other me: “Pipe down, you cried in the car on the way home”
Me: “Right, CV time. My key strengths are…..”
Other me: “Erm, making brews? Starting to read a book and not finishing it? I’m struggling here.”
Me: “I’ll talk to someone about my low mood.”
Other me: “Just no”
How do you tame this voice? Keep it quiet so that you can go for the things you want?
Recently, I’ve started attending a creative writing group. Something I’ve not had to do since having coursework in GCSE English 10+ years ago. It’s well out of my comfort zone and it’s a challenge. I get nervous and worry when I submit a piece, or when we read them out in groups, but it’s helping.
We’ll all have our own ways to start to suppress that voice, and it may find a full festival quality sound system to replace that poxy megaphone before it does get any quieter, but it can be done.
Mark is going to be blogging about his journey to find new work and trying to find a purpose, about CVs and shamelessly self-promoting personal statements, possible interview anxieties, rejection letters and hopefully the good stuff of getting a job. If you’re interested in following it, it’s www.cssdymrk.wordpress.com.