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A Letter To My Fallen Brothers

This open letter was sent in to CALM. It’s powerful stuff, and might be upsetting for some people. Our help pages are listed at the bottom.

Dear Jay and Edward

I know that you are never going to be reading this, but that is not the point. You are still with me and you always will be with me. I will never forget you, but I need to tell you some things. I need to get these things that have been wallowing up inside me for some time off my chest with you both.

You both mean the world to me, but I cannot thank you both for the wonders that you have given me. So many times I think back to something that we have done or things that we talked about and smile. I think of the time, Jay, when you sliced your foot open in the shower in Boston; I think about when you got drunk, Ed, and then draped yourself all over me when I was 14 as you were unable to stand up.

Happy times.

Now you’re gone. You will never be here again. All those memories will stay with me but I cannot share them with you face to face. I cannot phone you or hear your voice. I cannot call you and ask you how you are doing. I cannot simply pass the time of day with you. You’re gone.

So many times I have turned to the kids and said, “uncle Jay would do this,” or thought to talk about something idiotic that you did, Ed. Now you’re gone.

When I heard that you had died Jay, it was one of the worst things that has happened to me. Hearing about how you had killed yourself made me go into a horrible place. I had only just finished your best man’s speech for heaven’s sake, and I was left with writing your eulogy. I did you proud matey, I really did. I did a eulogy that you would have laughed at. I called you a Muppet at your own funeral! How many people get that one! I loved the fact that people laughed with the things you did in that service.

I miss you, Jay, so much. I hate talking about you in the past tense. I hate not being able to call upon you. I am so sorry that I could not have been there. I am so sorry that I didn’t give you more support. I wish I could have texted you back when you told me: “Never underestimate how much I appreciated your friendship”. Would it have helped? Had you already made up your mind to go then? Who knows. What I do know is that I miss you so much dude. I want you back.

Ed. You old messed up fool. You made me laugh so much. You were as clueless with life as me. In many ways you were like an older brother. So many silly things did you and me do. I miss your voice. I miss you not having a clue what is going on around you. I miss you so much more than I can ever wonder.

Boys, I am so sorry that I didn’t help you enough when you were alive. I cannot put into words how much I think of you both and how much I miss you. Sometimes I feel angry at you both that you went before me. As Winnie the Pooh once said: “If you lived a thousand days then I would hope to live one less, so that way I would never live a day without you.” You should not have gone before me. Why did you leave me? Why did you leave us all? Why did you go so soon. I could have accepted you going in a car accident or something similar, but you both chose to go. Why?

If I cannot help you when you were alive, I hope that I can help others. I do not want another man-down. I do not want people to live with the knowledge that their brothers have gone. I want the world a happy place.

I know that we will all meet each other in the place where no shadows fall.

If you need help or someone to talk to, click here; if you’re worried about someone, click here;  if you’ve been affected or bereaved by suicide, click here.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article or in the comments below, are not those held by CALM or its Trustees unless stated, and liability cannot be accepted for such comments. We encourage friendly and constructive debate, but please don't share personal contact details when commenting and exercise caution when considering any advice offered by others. We don’t allow abusive, offensive or inappropriate comments or comments that could be interpreted as libellous, defamatory or commercial and we will remove these without warning as and when we find them.

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