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The Great British Job Hunt: Sympathy Applications

Part two in The Great British Job Hunt series, written by Mark. Read part one in the March issue of CALMzine here

Why do they not realise that I totally suit this role… (what is the role?)… and the company would love me there… (what does the company do again?)

Sod this, I’m going job hunting.

The next two hours consist of sympathy job applications, yes, I’m now in the sympathy job application sector.

‘What on earth does that mean?’ I hear you cry.

It’s a battle against rejection; it’s a fight to fix a feeling; it’s searching job websites and applying for many unsuitable jobs, just so I can send over my CV.

The sympathy job hunt is applying for anything, anything that may counteract this feeling of rejection.  A sympathy job interview would be great, or even a rejection email that has a bit of personality or charisma – that’s not too much to ask is it?

The process goes a bit like this: I read the first three lines of a job advertisement, scroll down to see how to apply and – YES! – it’s a CV and cover letter, no long thought-out soul-destroying application form.  The cover letter I’ve written for a different job is totally worth sending off; in fact, this cover letter is a good luck charm, it’s the horse shoe, the wish bone and pinky swear.  No need to re-write it.

I fire it off to as many job positions as I can – one, two, three… Off you go my little pretties, I say in the style of that witch who had those flying monkeys.

I tell myself I’ve answered the requirements in each job spec.  I did, I swear, hand on heart.  My truth is in dem roles.

This here is the foundation of carrying out the Sympathy Job Application: Basically, throw as much mud somewhere and hopefully some of it will stick.

Oh wait, I got mail!  Hold tight, I got mail… and they have their programmed response once again.  I wonder if there’s an artist interested in making a collage of these emails full of rejection and robotic responses.

Thank you for reaching out to us for this role. Whilst you have an excellent profile, unfortunately we have decided not to proceed with your application on this occasion.

Wah wah wah wah – the teacher’s voice from Charlie Brown is in my head.

It’s a Cold War, stalemate, my cover letter and their rejection email.  Ok, I admit it; I went over to the dark side.  My cover letter is a template, with no feeling, no heart; it’s the copy and paste technique, impersonal, devoid of charisma.

I’ve lost this battle in the Template War.

But then I spot ‘THAT’ role, one of those roles that don’t come about that often.  I change my CV to what they’re looking for, I re-write the cover letter with a bit of love and a touch of Lynx deodorant sprayed on it… I go wax lyrical on their arse.  The passion comes back, the esteem is dangerously high, the CV and letter get sent.

The clock ticks by…

We have read your application with great interest and…

Swines!  Turning me down, how dare… wait, hold on…

…we would like you to come in for an interview.

I have an interview?  I HAVE AN INTERVIEW!

Will Mark get his dream job?  Find out what happens next on www.thecalmzone.net (search ‘Great British Job Hunt’).

@Tattooed_Ginge

photo credit: James, I think your cover’s blown! via photopin (license)

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