At CALM, we ask the question ‘what does it mean to be a man?’ Do you have to grow a beard or be good at DIY? Is there a How To Guide to being a ‘real’ man? The answer is of course, no, that’s utter nonsense. A bit like this How To Guide submitted to CALM by The Essex Author…
ACME How To Guide Number 400567/H/46/+BF
Thank you for purchasing the BS500 rated Dingle-Foozit Special Mark II. We are sure it will give you many hours of satisfaction provided that you follow the assembly instructions correctly.
A heavy lump hammer
A left-handed screwdriver
A lolly stick
Some duct tape
Bandages and plasters (in case anything should go wrong)
Please note: You may experience some initial difficulty in assembly due to the fact that all bolts are in metric sizes whilst all retaining lugs are imperial, but this can be easily overcome with a nail file and patience, or a lump hammer, a little brute force and ignorance.
Quick Start Instructions:
Step 1: Open the box.
Step 2: Take out the contents and place all over the kitchen table.
Step 3: Assemble the Dingle-Foozit. (If difficulty encountered – see detailed instructions.)
Step 4: Pat yourself on the back and have a coffee.
Detailed Assembly Instructions:
Should the Quick Start Instructions prove insufficient for a person of your limited mental capacity, please follow the more detailed instructions below.
Follow steps one and two above.
1. Identify and locate the Whatchamacalit and place it in the centre of the table.
2. Attach the Thingummy to the left-hand Doohickey Flange and secure with retaining lug ‘A’.
3. Fix the Doodah to the Splinge on the Whatnot using grommet ‘B’ and retain with the hairpin.
4. Attach the completed Doodah/Whatnot assembly to the Whatchamacalit via the right-hand bracket (to be found on the left-hand side) and secure securely with duct tape.
5. Bolt the Whatsit directly to the Whatchamacalit using the Dingus pinion and the lolly stick.
6. Gently insert the Gurglebearing into the main chamber of the Whatchamacalit using the lump hammer.
7. Attach the Thingamabob to the Gizmo sprocket and clamp to the main body using screws (not provided) with the left-handed screwdriver.
8. Mount the Thingamajig on the Whatchamacalit via the dual ratchet lug pin.
9. Attach the starting handle to the Whatsitsname hinge and apply to the grinder mangle at the back of the Whatchamacalit.
Now go to step four of the Quick Start Instructions.
Congratulations! Your Dingle-Foozit Special Mark II smoke grinding machine is now ready for use.
Confused? So are we… Right, as you were, nothing to see here folks…
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