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Who’s The Daddy?

CALM writer Neil explores some of the joys of fatherhood (so you don’t have to)…

Parenthood is great, isn’t it? You raise theses little bundles of joy and in return you get your own personal stress ball, taking the hassle of the world away when you give them a little squeeze.

So while children have many benefits, there’s a lot of things no one warns you about. Such as…

Sleepless nights

We’ve all been there. Returning from a club or coming back from a holiday with jet lag, and you’re alarm is set to go off in five minutes time.

And we’ve all survived that following day with the aid of caffeine based drinks despite it seeming an impossible mission.

With children, it’s different. You’re ripped from your dreams by the noise of screaming and you rush through to get to the scene of the crime, which, in keeping with the sounds that alerted you, is like that of a horror movie.

There may well be poo. There could possibly be vomit. Worst case scenario is that you’ll be faced with both and you’ll need to deal with it.

This involves changing nappies, clothes and bedsheets, feeding them, then trying to reassure the little blighter that it’s good to go back to sleep.

And when they eventually do, you sit there in a stunned silence. It was dark, but now the birds are singing you just don’t feel like joining in. You’ve got a big meeting at work that you need to face with bags under your eyes akin to those the Kardashians take with them on holiday.

Soft Play Areas

So you want to keep the kids amused. You take them to a multi-coloured adventure park that has slides and a ball pit and it’s all very cushioned.

But it’s hell. For one, remember that you’re going to have to go in and rescue them at some point so you’ll need to take your shoes off. And there is no room in soft play areas for mismatched, tattered socks. The last thing you want to do is try and coax them down from the two foot high chute only to notice that the sock on your right foot is striped and has a massive hole over the big toe while the sock on the left is a polka dot number.

And they tell you that they’re having a good time but it doesn’t look like it. The place is full of sweaty faces running around in excitement, just like that rush to get to the Pyramid Stage before the headline act turns up.

Also, they’re prone to violence and it’s usually against you and there’s nothing you can do to retaliate. You just need to stand there and take it as a stranger punches you full force in a certain area that’s at their eye level and makes your eyes water.

The World Changed

I’ve no idea how this happened but the planet turned into a sinister place in which danger lurks around every corner and there’s not enough cotton wool to wrap your kids in to keep them protected.

For instance, my son has allergies. He’s been checked and checked again at various hospitals but no one can pinpoint what causes it. This means he carries medicine with him at all times and also an Epipen if the initial drugs fail to do their work.

Throw in an inhaler for his asthma and he’s practically got his own Boots pharmacy counter with him. You try hiding from the enemy at a paint ball kids party when your backpack is oversized like the kind the Ghostbusters used to wear.

Allergies? Asthma? When I was a kid they weren’t invented!

My list continues, but that’s for starters. So go for it. Have children. You’ll love it.

Honest…

@Lust4Leith

photo credit: IMG_8995 via photopin(license)

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