16th July 2023
A mate tells you they’re struggling. Now what?
It can feel pretty big when someone tells you they’re having suicidal thoughts. We all want to be good mates, but when shit hits the fan, it can be hard to know what to say or do.
That’s why we’re here. Here’s our no-nonsense list of stuff to do if someone tells you they’re feeling suicidal - and as always, you’ll find some proper good practical tips from people who’ve been there before.
If someone’s life is at risk, you need to get emergency help. Make sure you are safe and contact emergency services. If that’s all ok, it’s time to chat.
Our advice - solid suggestions straight from our CALM experts
It’ll probably come as a shock if someone tells you they’re thinking of killing themselves. They might not use those words - they could say they’re ‘having dark thoughts’ or ‘things would be better off without me’.
It might not even be that obvious - weird Whatsapp messages or social media posts that don’t seem quite right. Maybe they don’t want to meet up anymore or avoid going to work or school. Trust your gut. If you’re unsure, ask. Like literally say, ‘Are you having suicidal thoughts?.’
Asking someone if they’re suicidal won’t put it in their head. Take it from us. People find it a relief when someone helps them to open up and speak directly about some pretty scary feelings.
Your advice - real life tips shared from you lot over on Instagram
Our advice:
Truth is, you might not be in control of when or how someone opens up to you about suicidal thoughts or their struggles. It can happen anywhere. They might just blurt it out. Say it over dinner. In the queue at the supermarket. At the gym. While playing FIFA. The important thing is they’ve told you and trust you to listen.
If someone opens up to you, find somewhere you can chat. Somewhere you can both talk and listen. Find a space where you both feel comfortable and go from there. Don’t delay too long or put it off - it might not be an easy conversation, but it could be a life-saving one.
Your advice:
Our advice:
It takes a huge amount of guts to open up about suicidal thoughts. So once someone has, give them time to talk about how they’re feeling and what they’re going through. Try not to cut them off or tell them how they should feel.
You don’t have to have all the answers. Being there and listening is enough.
So while they talk, be patient. Ask open-ended questions to help them share, and reassure them that things can change no matter how they feel right now.
It can be hard for someone who’s feeling really low to pinpoint why. Sometimes it’s everything, and sometimes it feels like there’s no reason at all. Try to avoid going on a why witchhunt. Avoid focussing too heavily on the cause or solution. What matters most is understanding how your friend or loved one feels and showing there’s always a way forward—a reason to stay.
Your advice
Our advice:
It can be a natural reaction to play down something scary. You might find yourself saying stuff like ‘it’s not that bad’, ‘you’ll feel better tomorrow’, or even ‘don’t be silly’.
It’s important to take someone seriously when they open up - whether it’s the first or fifteenth time they’ve spoken to you. Let them know you hear them, that you understand how much they’re struggling, and that they will get through this.
Try not to minimise what they’re going through, even if it sounds small-time to you. What might seem like a small setback - a failed exam, an argument with a mate - could feel like the final straw to them, or even be a way for your mate to finally express some of the tough feelings they’ve been having.
Your advice:
Our advice:
This can be a tough one to tackle when a mate opens up. It’s natural for your head to flood with opinions and emotions. If you need it, take a second to breathe and try to clear your mind.
The most important thing is to listen and avoid judgement about right and wrong. Those conversations are for another time. In the moment, hearing how your mate is feeling and finding them the support they need is your number one priority.
Your advice
Feeling speechless? Scared what you say might not help. We’ve got you covered here’s some things to say to help you get started.
That sounds really tough. I can understand why you’re feeling that way
You know you’re not in this alone. What you’re going through is crap, but I’m here for you every step of the way
I know everything feels awful right now, but things will get better. Let’s look at some places you can get some help.
Talking about this is a massive deal. You’ve taken the first step, things are going to get better
Looking for more? Head to The Words for more ways to speak about suicide and mental health.
Your advice:
Our advice:
You don’t have to face it alone. Try to get other people who care about your loved one to support them. You don’t have to be specific - letting someone know their mate’s going through it can be enough. Create a support network - a group chat or a couple of people to check in on the reg. It’ll help you avoid feeling overwhelmed.
And don’t forget to look after yourself. Hearing about and dealing with suicidal thoughts is hard. And it can have an impact on your mental health - so it’s important to make sure you feel supported.
Reach out to another friend or family member to share what you’re going through and feeling - you don’t have to share details if you don’t want to. And if you’re really struggling because of someone else’s suicidal feelings, then CALM can help.
Your advice:
Our advice:
This is a biggy. You can’t do it alone. If someone’s having suicidal thoughts, then they need help. And there are professionals who do just that. Get them in touch with their GP, contact a mental health service, or call a helpline like ours.
Your advice:
