FIRST PERSON: Under The Weather
Who am I? Who do I want to be? None of that matters now. Or does it? I spent most of my life in education. I wasn’t born rich so I thought I would go for the other attribute to fortune, knowledge. My mind often dips in and out of the darkness, some days I am good, others I hardly see the point of rising from my bed if it wasn’t for my stomach.
I feel sluggish and do not want to do anything but when I do, I feel better. The more I do, the better I feel and so on and so forth. Both time and answering to yourself, and only you, are important. I like to construct and paint scale models, as I find this a form of meditation. I enjoy calling up friends for a chat or popping out to meet them in the pub for company. I am trying to keep fit and have a loose routine, and in the meantime just try and learn more, as well as applying for jobs and toying with the prospect of setting up a business for myself. Through keeping busy and concentrating on these things, I begin to find my inner self. They provide me not only with a source of serenity but also a focus, an outlet to sharpen my skills and to temper my steel for the next round of job hunting, accruing revenue, or the ongoing battle to get my life back.
Over time, the mist of uncertainty begins to lift with each action. After listing things during the free listing weekends on eBay I know that perhaps I may have a little extra revenue, I feel good about my craftsmanship and the paint job on my scale models and my friends help lift my spirits at those times when I feel crushed under the weight of my own thoughts.
I remember a quote I once read by Mahatma Gandhi: ‘Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned’. No matter what you feel - sadness or anger – and regardless to who may be responsible, just let it go. It does not matter. What matters is YOU and your ability to reach out towards happiness. If someone steals your car, getting angry or frustrated will only waste a little bit of your precious time and energy, it won’t get your car back. You remain in the same position with no benefit gained from the anger and frustration. Instead, it adds to the problem and a resolution will remain out of your grasp. As human beings, it can be difficult at times to control our emotions, but if we endeavour to at least understand them, as well as developing a better understanding of ourselves, our problems will be more easily overcome."