Coping with relationship breakdown

About a relationship breakdown

Despite what we might hope, relationships don’t always last forever. When a relationship breaks down it can be difficult for everyone involved.

Beside the difficult emotions that you’ll no doubt be going through, there’s often a whole host of other things to think about. You may be worried about your children, home, work, money, relationships with others, or simply what the future holds next. These can all add up and make it tough to cope.

If you’re going through a break-up, divorce or separation and are struggling, it's important to get help. You can find tailored support for what you're going through here.

If you're struggling to move forward or are feeling suicidal because of a relationship or break up you can speak to CALM in confidence. Find out more about CALM's helpline here.

How does a relationship breakdown feel?

Tough.

Divorce and separation are very common but that doesn’t make them any easier. While the breakdown of your relationship might feel like the end of the world, you're not alone.

While relationship breakdowns are common, the way people experience them can be very varied. Relationships are complicated, and when they end there are a lot of things to sort out and deal with. Relationship breakdowns can be particularly hard if you didn’t expect them to happen, there are children involved, or your partner was the only person you could open up to.

The end of a relationship can trigger many feelings such as sadness, rejection, loneliness, depression, anxiety, anger, happiness or relief, guilt, shame and even suicidal thoughts.

You may feel some of the following:

• Anger
• Sadness
• Rejection
• Loneliness
• Failure
• Shame
• Grief
• Lack of motivation
• Worthless
• Helpless

What if my divorce or separation is complicated?

There are some important options to consider that may help your situation and make a resolution easier to achieve.

One of these options is relationship or family counselling. If you have children, this might also help you explain the situation to them better so they are less affected by the separation, and can help you to communicate better in order to understand and resolve problems, and find a way to move forward.

If you choose to open up to a family or couples counsellor, they can provide confidential and non-judgmental support. Talking is difficult, but necessary to reach a resolution so you’ll be encouraged to share your thoughts and feelings on the situation. In the first few sessions the counsellor will ask you to talk through what’s happening and what you’d like to change, you’ll then work together with the counsellor to decide what happens next.

Even if you still retain a good relationship with your ex-partner, talking about money and children can lead to arguments, which make things more difficult.

An option to consider in this situation is mediation, which differs from family counselling and is often used once a couple’s attempt to reach agreements has failed. Any discussion you have with a mediator should be in a safe, non-judgmental environment where you and your partner can discuss the practical issues that are involved in divorce.

What about my kids?

One of the most difficult things to do when separating is discussing it with your children. It is important to try not to involve them in conflict and to minimize the stress they might feel at home by reassuring them that even though you’re not in a relationship with their parent, you’ll still be part of their life.

It can be easy to take your feelings out on other people, including your children, when things are tough, but remember that a relationship breakdown is out of their control. If you are struggling and need to talk, the CALM helpline is available from 5pm to midnight.

Dealing with a relationship breakdown

It can be hard to think about moving on after a relationship breakdown. Here are some things to bear in mind:

• It’s ok to feel excited about your future. It’s ok to feel scared about your future too. Think about your aims and what you want for yourself
• You don’t have to lose touch with the extended family, it might take time to build bridges
• See the opportunity for new connections
• It will take time to adjust to a new life, you can do it. Some days will be harder/ easier than others
• Don’t hold on to guilt. It’s happened, so it is important to try to move on

Talking about how you feel

It can be difficult to talk about how you’re feeling with your friends, family or professional. Here’s some ways you can start a conversation around how you’re feeling: