16th July 2023

The signs women are struggling are going unseen. Meet the people fighting for change

Name: Campaign Against Living Miserably
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The suicide rate among young women is the highest it’s ever been. That means that every two days we lose a woman under 25 to suicide. Women across the UK are slipping through the net because the signs they’re struggling are being missed and we all need to play our part in changing that.

79% of the women under 25 who took their own lives were previously assessed as low risk and as a result, didn’t receive help which could have been life-saving. The statistics are shocking, but the issue is complicated.

New research commissioned by CALM found that stereotypes around women mean that those in crisis often hold back from asking for help because they won’t be taken seriously (31%), fear they’ll be seen as attention seeking (22%) and dramatic or over-emotional (33%).

When it comes to young women specifically, among those aged 18-34 who have spoken up about a mental health crisis, 27% were told it could be down to hormones, whereas one in five (20%) were even asked if they were on their period

These damaging preconceptions are leaving young women unheard and unsupported - or worse, ignored. We spoke with some of those impacted by this crisis about how we can help women struggling to feel seen and supported.

“Being dismissed as hormonal is so invalidating when you’ve been brave enough to ask for help.

It can make young women feel like they are the problem and deny them access to potentially life-changing help.”

Dr Jay, Consultant Clinical Psychologist

We spoke to Dr Jay, a clinical psychologist, to hear her thoughts on the issue. She’s had her own struggles with mental wellbeing and knows the difficulties women can face when looking for support.

“I was suicidal for many years when I was younger and made some very serious attempts on my life. These were sometimes treated as if I was just being impulsive and difficult rather than living with symptoms that made life unbearable.

"It’s incredibly sad for me to see the situation not only fail to improve but deteriorate in recent years – a toxic combination of worsening young female mental health and an increasingly pressurised NHS where gender prejudice flourishes, diminishing the significance of female pain'.”

Women seeking help often experience labels like “over-sensitive” or “hormonal”. These labels are really damaging and invalidating for women who’ve found the courage to say how they’re feeling. It’s a problem Dr Jay believes is deep rooted:

“Because of gender bias certain behaviours are seen as attention seeking. Women tend to be better at seeking help, but then there’s this deflation given to their accounts of suffering. Being told you’re hormonal or having your problems put down to something else just gets in the way of help being offered. It’s also incredibly dangerous because it can lead to young people berating themselves. Those thoughts can make someone feel hopeless, which can increase suicide risk.”

Dr Jay believes things need to change in order for women to get the support they need and to feel more heard when asking for help.

“We need to take women seriously. If someone’s telling us that they’re in emotional distress or suicidal, then we need to validate them.

“We need to make big structural changes in mental health services to make sure issues like self-harm are addressed with the gravity they deserve. But small acts of validation and seeing each other make a huge difference too. They really matter.”

So much research has been done about what’s not working. Now we have to use the research to ask what’s making life unliveable for women and ask how we can change things structurally.”

“I think there’s a huge thing about women not wanting to draw attention to themselves and a fear of being labelled.”

Daisy (left), lost her friend to suicide

Daisy and her mate’s bond was built on the same stuff loads of friendships are - humour, silly WhatsApp messages and going out together. When Daisy got the call to say her friend had taken her own life, she looked closer at what might have stopped her friend from saying she was struggling.

Daisy took on a creative project as a way to process the grief she felt after losing her friend, making the film 7 Bananas, which deals with the aftermath of losing a friend to suicide. Daisy thinks the pressure to keep up appearances might have stopped her mate from saying how she was feeling.

“My friend was such a bubbly, giving and magnetic person and so there weren’t really any signs. I think there’s a huge thing about women not wanting to draw attention to themselves, or a fear of being labelled as over-emotional.

"A lot of women have grown up trying to keep up appearances and I think it’s a female attribute to need to appear bubbly and not bother anyone.”

Because the friends were in contact so much over messages, it was less obvious that something was going on. It’s churned up a lot of feelings for Daisy, who’s been reflecting on their interactions together.

“One of my regrets is waiting until after my friend died to look closer at her messages and social posts. I wish I’d taken them seriously at the time, because I have a whole diary of our friendship written out over messages and it’s a new feeling for me. If we’re not able to see the signs in real life then we’re going to have to look for them elsewhere.”

Stereotypes about women can make it really hard to talk about stuff and it’s something Daisy’s been more conscious of since losing her friend. She’s been trying to open up more chats with her female friends:

“We’ve got a long way to go, but in the meantime we need to encourage women to talk to one another. I had an abortion when I was younger and when I opened up about it to my friends, several of them had been through it too. I think it’s the same with talking when you’re struggling, it doesn’t need to be taboo and there doesn’t need to be shame surrounding it.”

“A big stigma that still exists is not believing someone's mental health issues are real.”

Milla, struggled with suicidal thoughts

Milla tried to take her own life when she was 18 and struggled with her mental health for years after, experiencing a mental health crisis when she was 29. Looking back on that time, she feels like her cries for help were often brushed under the carpet or met with a lack of support - by family, friends and medical professionals. Milla spoke about her experience as a young woman and why she felt unseen when she was struggling.

“I remember talking to a psychiatrist in A&E and we didn’t even leave the waiting room. I was sitting in this open space talking about how I wanted to take my own life and how I couldn’t get those thoughts out of my head. She said to me ‘your life can’t be that bad. You’re 29, you’ve got a job, you’ve got a home’. It was such a dismissive thing to say to someone in that situation.”

Milla’s experienced first hand how it feels to have serious feelings minimised, even in times of crisis. She’s passionate about talking about her experience as a young woman. Milla wants to give women’s mental health the space and understanding it deserves.

“Keep having these difficult conversations in your workplaces and at the doctors. I try to speak straightforwardly about my mental health because it’s so important and I hope it encourages others to do the same.”

Finally, Milla says the key to making women feel more seen when they’re struggling is to listen and show they’re valid in what they’re going through.

“Acknowledge that what the person is feeling is real and legitimate. We believe you and we’re here for whatever you need. I think a big stigma still exists today, where people don’t believe someone’s mental health issues are real or legitimate.”

"Make talking about mental health and suicide prevention part of the things you pass on to your children."

Mike, suicide prevention campaigner who lost his daughter to suicide

Mike lost his ‘gifted’, ‘lightning quick’ daughter, Beth, to suicide in 2020. Since then, he’s been campaigning and walking across the country as part of 3 Dads Walking - raising awareness of suicide and calling for more education and funding for suicide prevention.

Like so many other families bereaved by suicide, Mike has analysed every moment and interaction with his daughter before she died. Beth had been struggling with the constrictions of lockdown. In the lead-up to her death, Mike noticed her mood and behaviours changing but put it down to typical teenage behaviour.

“Beth’s behaviour was becoming a bit up and down. Sometimes a bit eccentric, sometimes a bit quiet. She was spending a lot of time in her bedroom, going out but then coming back and retreating to her room.

“She said things like ‘you don’t understand’ or ‘I’m having a bad day.’ It was nothing particularly to put your finger on at the time. I wish I had more awareness."

"Instead of encouraging her to get out of bed and get on with it, maybe I should have just asked her why she was having a bad day.”

Alongside his fellow 3 Dads, Tim and Andy, Mike is passionate about getting more families to learn life-saving skills.

“I did everything to protect my little girl and to encourage her to make sensible decisions. I made her go to martial arts so she could protect herself physically. I thought I’d done everything correctly, but I missed stuff. We need to teach people to protect themselves, whether it’s physically or mentally.”

Together, Tim, Andy and Mike believe they can stop other families going through a loss like theirs. They’re working with government to get suicide prevention into the curriculum so young people like their daughters, Emily, Sophie and Beth, have the knowledge and support they need.

“If Beth had known more about suicide and how to get help, she might have known how to reach out. I believe 110% that she never really wanted this. So my advice would be don’t live in ignorance. I was part of a family that thought suicide would never touch them. That suicide would never be part of my life. So make yourself aware. Make your family aware. Have a conversation and make talking about mental health and suicide prevention part of the things you pass on to your children.”

United Against Suicide

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