How to: Cope with grief during holidays and celebrations

Name: Campaign Against Living Miserably
Price range: $

If you’re struggling with grief on a birthday, anniversary or holiday like Christmas, this How-To is full of real-life tips to help you cope.

An illustration of a yellow flower growing through a brick wall, against a light blue background.

Moving on after loss can be one of the hardest parts of being human. Whether your loss is new or old, the emotions that come with it are complex and often intense. It’s important to remember that grief isn’t linear and can change how it shows up over time. Holidays and celebrations can be especially tough.

Grief is something we’ll all go through at some time in our life. Which means it’s been studied A LOT. Lois Tonkin’s ‘Growing Around Grief’ model is one theory on how we process grief. It rejects the idea that grief is something we move past, and instead suggests grief is something we grow with and around. Sometimes, we’ll experience our grief intensely, and at other times, while still there and part of us, that grief will feel lighter to carry. Over time, the overwhelming pain of remembering a loved one can transform - allowing us to cherish our memories, while still feeling our loss.

Religious or cultural celebrations, such as Christmas, Eid, Hanukkah or Diwali, and milestone moments like weddings or anniversaries, can often bring up difficult feelings of grief and guilt. But they can also be positive moments to remember a lost loved one - whether it’s continuing a tradition you shared, or creating new ways to honour their memory.

If you’re struggling with grief around a holiday or celebration right now, this article is for you. We’ve got expert backed practical tips to help you through - and the best bit, they’re crowdsourced from our amazing CALM community.

It’s ok to feel sad

Yup. Our first tip is to give yourself a break. The pressure to enjoy holiday moments or celebrate anniversaries after a loss can be A LOT. And often, that pressure can come from yourself just as much as it comes from those around you. That voice in your head that says ‘you should be over this by now,’ ‘you’re ruining this for everyone else’, or ‘I should be having fun’ can be hard to ignore, but giving your permission to be sad and to experience your grief can make a big difference.

Whether it’s the first Christmas since a loss, or the 23rd birthday without them, feeling your feelings - sadness, regret, even anger - can help you navigate them. And the bonus, by not fighting against that voice and honouring your emotions, you might be able to find space for other feelings too - like joy or contentment.

The energy involved in avoiding an emotion can be all encompassing and numb us to all our other feelings. Depending where you're at with your grief, set your expectations for the holiday. It could be ‘I'm not going to celebrate this year,’ or ‘I'm going to let myself feel sad today and reevaluate tomorrow.’ Maybe you’ll sob while eating mince pies in front of the TV, or let yourself look through old photo albums that always set you off. Perhaps you decide not to attend an anniversary meal, or leave a party early. Let yourself make the decisions that are right for you - you don’t have to magic up joy just because the calendar says so.

"Be kind to yourself. No one thinks, 'Oh, it's been a year now, get over it'. Take all the time you need."

CALM supporter
"Sometimes it's easier. Sometimes it's not."

CALM supporter
"Try to think 'it's just another day'."

CALM supporter
"It's still hard to be honest. I miss by brother. It's been 15 years."

CALM supporter

Talk about it

It’s ok to talk about your grief. You’re not too much. You’re not bringing the vibe down. You’re speaking about one of the most difficult emotions and experiences you’ll ever have. If you’re struggling, it’s ok to let people know. The pressure to appear ‘over it’ after a certain period of time can be immense, but as you lot said, that just isn’t realistic. There’s no timeline on grief. You may have heard of the five stages of grief. It’s a common misconception that those stages are linear - that once you’ve gone through them, that’s it, you’re fine. But anyone who has ever lost anyone will know that’s not true. Grief doesn’t usually fit into a neat pattern. It can be messy, confusing, complex. It can feel like taking one step forward and three steps back. And that’s ok.

Telling people you’re having a tough time, or just talking about your lost loved one can help release the tension or isolation you feel, and get your grief outside of your head. Sure, there are some ground rules - we all grieve differently and other family and friends will have their own ways of coping that you’ll need to respect - but letting people know when you’re struggling is always ok.

It might sound like 'hey, i’m feeling a bit down about Dad. I really want to celebrate with you, but might not be my full cheery self', or it could sound like 'Sorry, I just don’t feel up to joining you this New Year. I always spent it with Alice and I’m not ready to change up that tradition just yet.'

This also goes for asking for help. You don’t have to go through grief alone. Letting the people around you know when you’re having a rough time means they can support you in the way you need.

"If i'm not up to something I say. I didn't used to, but I learnt it's better for everyone to be honest."

CALM supporter
"Me and my brother have a code word for when we're struggling. I'm not telling you it."

CALM supporter
"Ask for help! Especially if you're the one who always holds everyone together. That's tough."

CALM supporter

Make it yours

When you lose someone, it feels like nothing will be the same ever again without them. And that’s true. But that doesn’t mean holidays and celebrations can’t be special.

One way to find your way through is to create your own traditions or ways to honour a lost loved one. It might be including their favourite food or drink in your plans, watching something comforting that they loved, sharing memories about them, or doing something they would have enjoyed.

Alternatively, you might want to do exactly what you did with them - making a birthday cake using their recipe, attending a faith service, or having breakfast in bed just like they used to. The crux of it is, you’re in control and can lean in or away from each tradition or memory as you see fit. If it makes you feel good or comforted, do it. If it does the opposite, you can swerve it completely.

"I created a playlist for my dad that had all his favourite music from his teens and beyond. He passed away the following year. The playlist has since been shared with the entire family and get's a lot of mileage, especially around special dates"

CALM supporter
"I listen to the same song by The Kinks on my dad's birthday every year."

CALM supporter
"Donate to a charity she would have liked"

CALM supporter
"We have braised cabbage every Christmas even though no one really likes it."

CALM supporter
"I go to a specific bench in Herne Bay where he used to take us as kids. It kind of feels like he's with us then."

CALM supporter.

Do what’s right for you

Not celebrating this year. Blocking all emails using the word ‘Father’s Day’. Asking your friends not to throw you a well meaning but totally unwanted birthday bash while you’re in the throws of grief. All acceptable. Listen to what your body and your brain need and make decisions that honour that.

Grief is unpredictable, and what you thought you could do on one day feels impossible on the next. Although frustrating, try not to be hard on yourself. Need to cancel plans? Lead with honesty. Let them know you aren’t up to it. People that know and care about you will understand.

As you learn to live with your grief, you’ll learn to know your triggers. What songs send you into a sadness spiral, which conversation topics to swerve when you’re feeling low. You won’t always be able to avoid being hit by your grief, but it’s ok to take care of yourself by minimising things that drag you down. Try to find things that help you too - actions, behaviours, habits or moment of joy that can help you to feel better.

"Both my children are estranged. I didn't decorate for a couple of years. I think i'm ready to now."

CALM supporter
"Try not to dwell. Distract myself"

CALM supporter

And if you’re struggling

It’s normal to find grief hard, but if your grief is regularly making it tough to live your everyday life - to get up in the morning, go to work or school, look after yourself, or find enjoyment - it’s important to talk to someone. There’s lots of support out there like Cruse Bereavement, Support After Suicide. Read more about coping with grief here.

We have loads of tools and resources to support you through how you’re feeling, including our suicide prevention helpline. Head here to get more support and find tailored services for whatever you’re facing.