Looking after yourself when supporting someone who's struggling

Name: Campaign Against Living Miserably
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When someone is struggling with their mental health, having someone in their corner can make a massive difference. But it’s not always easy.

At a glance

Supporting someone with mental health struggles
Looking after yourself
Supporting yourself
Setting healthy boundaries when supporting someone’s mental health
Talking to someone about how you feel
You’re not alone

This guide will help you check in with yourself and your wellbeing while supporting someone who’s struggling, and help you find ways to look after yourself, involve other people, and set healthy boundaries.

Support from family and friends can offer things other kinds of support can’t - familiarity, shared history, understanding and practical, everyday help. It can show real care and even love. But however much you care about someone, you’re not expected to become their whole support system or replace professional help.

Supporting someone with mental health struggles

Being there for someone looks different for everyone.

It could be:

Living with someone who’s struggling with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, or other conditions or circumstances.
Being close or worried about someone who is otherwise isolated
Knowing someone’s going through it and not knowing how to help
Being the only one who knows someone is struggling
Helping someone to carry out everyday tasks to reduce the strain
Supporting someone who isn’t ready or able to get professional help
Supporting someone while they are waiting to access professional help

Networks and communities can make a real difference when someone is having a tough time. But if you’re taking that on alone, it can feel overwhelming - especially if you’re someone’s main or only source of support.

Looking after yourself

There’s no set answer to how often you should check in with your own wellbeing. But try to do so regularly, so you can notice if anything is becoming overwhelming. This is especially the case if you’re someone’s main or only support.

Things can begin to build up and you may gradually notice some of the following:

being available at all hours and feeling responsible for them
cancelling your own plans regularly because you are supporting them with something, you may even be frightened to leave them alone
managing appointments, medication or everyday responsibilities for them
feeling that their safety depends on you
becoming the only person they will speak to about how they feel
repeatedly managing crises without outside support
feeling unable to say no because you are worried about what might happen
constant arguments or friction around their mental health.

If you recognise or relate to any of the above, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. But you might need to get some additional help to make sure you can look after yourself too. It doesn't mean you need to stop supporting someone, or that you’re abandoning them. You can find a sustainable way to get help together.

How are you?

It might seem strange to ask yourself that question when you’re worried about someone else. But it’s really important you are doing ok too. If you are supporting someone you’re close to, you also need to look after yourself to avoid things getting too much. It really is important to look after you.

Supporting someone with ongoing mental health struggles can also bring up complex emotions. You might find yourself constantly watching for changes in their mood, or worrying if they don’t answer their phone. You might feel responsible for keeping them well, or wonder whether you are doing enough to support them. At other times, you might feel overwhelmed and or need space from the whole situation.

You may experience:

fear or anxiety about future
worry about leaving them alone
helplessness
frustration or anger
sadness or grief
guilt
resentment
exhaustion
hope
disappointment
uncertainty

You can care deeply about somebody and still experience difficult or conflicting feelings. If you’re feeling any of the above, you’re not alone. There’s lots of support to help you, including CALM’s helpline.

Supporting yourself

Your wellbeing matters too. We’ll say it again, your wellbeing matters too. Being there for someone can become part of everyday life without you even noticing. If things are feeling a lot, go back to basics. Think about things you can do that make you feel good, whether that’s fuelling your body, getting outside, socialising or doing something you love like listening to music. Making time for your own relationships, routines and things you enjoy doesn’t mean you care about them any less. In fact, looking after yourself can help someone struggling see positive steps in action.

Not sure where to start? This list can help you get started:

Move your body

Try to get some movement into your day. It doesn’t have to be strenuous, even a ten minute walk can make a big difference to how you feel.

Pause and reset

Yoga and meditation have been popular for centuries for their ability to help people relax. Try a simple breathing exercise, stretch, or just a moment to take some deep breaths, you might be surprised at the difference it can make.

Eat as well as you can

When you're stressed, fueling your body can be the least of your worries. But it can really have an impact on how you feel. Try to ensure you’re eating regularly and incorporate some nutritious foods into your meals. Bonus points if it tastes delish too.

Do something you enjoy

Yup, doing something fun can do wonders for your head. Gaming, reading, gardening, hiking - try to give yourself some time to truly switch off and do something you enjoy.

Connect with someone

Reaching out to a friend or family member for a chat can be a great way to feel a bit more yourself. If you don’t feel able, small moments of connection can also be helpful. Find out more here.

CALM has loads of support to help you look after your own mental health. Find out more here or you can download the CALMzone app for practical mental health support.

Involve others

You don’t have to manage everything on your own.

Sometimes, someone you’re supporting might ask you not to tell anyone else what they’re going through. Being trusted in that way can feel important, but being the only person who knows can also be a huge amount of pressure - particularly if they continue to struggle without any other support.

Privacy and trust matter - especially when someone’s struggling. But try to talk together about who else could be part of their support network. There might be another friend, family member, GP, counsellor or service they’d be comfortable involving. You could help them write a message, make an appointment, or help them tell somebody what’s going on.

Having a wider support network can be better for everyone. It means the person you care about has more than one person to turn to, and you can share the support more widely.

And don’t forget your own support network. If supporting someone is having an impact on you, you’re allowed to talk about that with people you trust. You don’t need to share private details about what the other person is experiencing. You can focus on your experience - what you’re finding difficult, how you’re feeling and what support you need.

Setting healthy boundaries when supporting someone’s mental health

It’s a misconception that being a good friend, partner or family member means always being available, always knowing what to say, and never becoming frustrated. We might be able to put everything aside for a couple of hours, days, or weeks, but doing so regularly isn’t always realistic.

Boundaries can help you avoid burnout and show up in the best way for the people around you. Boundaries are limits we set to protect ourselves and others. It helps us be clear about what we can and can’t do, what we’re comfortable with and what we’re not. Think of them as ways to set expectations and a shared understanding together. It’s not about shutting support down, it’s about exploring sustainable ways you can be there.

Setting and agreeing clear boundaries can help protect the relationship you have.

They can allow everyone to understand and agree on what the support looks like, and create space for open and honest conversations. Discussing what is realistic and what kind of support you can give also allows space for additional help.

Boundaries work best when they are clear, compassionate and realistic. Try to focus on what you will and can do, rather than trying to control what another person should do. In many situations you may both want to set boundaries. What you agree doesn’t have to last forever. You can revisit what you’ve agreed when needed to make sure they’re still working, and change them if they’re not. They’re a great way to have an honest conversation that works for you both.

Where can I find help?

Talk to CALM from 5pm to midnight everyday. Our professional helpline workers are there to talk and to help you find ways to move forward. Calls and livechats are free, anonymous, non-judgemental and confidential.

Outside of these hours, calls the Samaritans on 116 123
Call NHS 111 (freephone) or 999 if you or someone you know is in immediate danger
Contact your GP for an emergency appointment
Contact your local mental health crisis team (if you don’t know who they are, NHS 111 can help you)
You can get your thoughts and emotions out of your head using our Offload Your Thoughts tool. It can help you let off steam and get some perspective on what you're going through.
Find more places to get help here.

Talking to someone about how you feel

If you need some help getting started with what to say, here’s some suggestions:

I’m supporting someone and it’s getting on top of me, can I talk to you about it?
I need support to to be there for someone who's struggling. Can I talk to you about it?

You’re not alone

Being there for someone isn’t easy. But you’re not alone.

You can care and love somebody without being able to fix what they are experiencing.
You can listen and be there for them without having every answer.
You can help someone access professional support without becoming their professional support.
You can set a boundary and still care.
And you can look after yourself while continuing to stand alongside somebody you love.

Finally, if you’re supporting someone through a difficult time, you’re doing an amazing thing. It’s not always easy to be there for someone, but showing up, even when it’s tough, can make a massive difference. If you need more support or advice, find out more here.

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Looking after yourself when supporting someone who's struggling

At a glance

Supporting someone with mental health struggles