I’m deleting my Facebook account.
You’re probably not interested in why I’m deleting my Facebook account, but for those of you that are I’ll explain my reasonings in ten less-than-succinct points.
1) There are too many lines of communication between me and you. You write on my wall, I text you back, you send me a text, I write on your wall. You email me, I email back, you call me, I answer, we talk, you write on my wall to follow up the phone call, and eventually invite me to the very thing we just arranged. Just what in the name of christ is going on? I can’t keep up.
2) Because there’s too much going on, I rarely get back to people. Then we meet in real life and you might be upset because I didn’t respond to a post you left in an event invitation message about what we should do on Friday night.
When Friday night comes I’ve made arrangements with people who’s faces I saw in real life and not on Facebook. I’m embarrased, you’re upset, ‘we’ll do something next week!’ we say sheepishly, ‘not if we arrange it on Facebook’ I muse.
Nothing ever happens
3) I stopped checking event invites about a year ago. Sorry I didn’t come to your party.
4) On my phone, rather than checking it when I have a message, I now obessively check facebook every hour or so just to see if something amazing has happened. Nothing amazing ever happens. September 11th part two is probably what I’m hoping has happened, but it never ever does.
The whole world is waiting for it, we’re trapped in a global mental pre-puke anxiety festival, we know it’s coming, can we just get it out of the way please? Anyway, checking Facebook every ten minutes for major events like “OMG I’m getting MARRIED!” or “Jeremy got his cousin pregnant,” is definitely not worth it. Time to rein in the OCD.
5) The main reason. I waste faaaar too much time on Facebook pretending I’m socialising, when all I’m really doing is looking at pictures of what you did, or reading your status about what you did.
This means that when we meet in real life and have a conversation, more often than not I might say “Oh yeah, I saw that on Facebook” and you’ll be disappointed because you were really excited about telling me what you did, but you posted pictures about it and status updates about it over and over again, and I pretty much lived that moment with you already.
Let’s have a beer
Thus our conversation over a beer is a little dull and we’re forced to talk about abject things like ‘the name of that band who used to sing that song on that advert’ or some other benile nothingness because we know each others lives inside out. Wouldn’t it be nice to meet your friends and have a catchup that involves knowing NOTHING about what they did this week? That would be nice, lets do that sometime over a beer?
6) Second main reason. Facebook seems absolutely hellbent on knowing everything there is to know about me. The other week I uploaded some pictures and was asked “Who is this?” underneath every single person… I felt like I was being interrogated by Mossad for in a terror investigation. “ALL I DID WAS GO TO A PARTY!?… LET ME GO FACEBOOK! *sob sob* I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG!?”
Imagine you’re showing your friends your real photos in a real coffee shop, a strange man in a dark suit who you do not know appears at the table. Each and every time you show your friend a new photo he says “Who is this?”, you tell him who it is, the man in the dark suit writes it down. This continues until you’ve shown all of your photos to your friends. The man in the dark suit takes his notepad and leaves the coffee shop and you don’t think anything of it. Perfectly normal day right?
No. It’s insane. And just because you do it on Facebook doesn’t make it any less insane. I don’t know why Facebook want to use facial recognition on all of the photos that are uploaded, and I don’t know why they want to know who EVERY SINGLE PERSON IS, but I don’t like it.
7) I have a phone. YOU have a phone. Lets talk ON THE PHONE. I have unlimited minutes that I don’t use, so do you? Old and dear friends, lets hang out on our telephones more… Add me on Skype and we can talk in real time, or with our voices, or with webcams, and you can get my undivided attention. I won’t be jostling from one Facebook update to the other, I’ll stop checking my emails, we can have a nice conversation and arrange our next meeting…
8] 21 group invitations.
9) 24 page suggestions.
10) Facebook advertising was fairly intrusive until I deleted all of my likes and interests. For whatever reason, Facebook now thinks I’ve had an organ transplant and need support.